[Intro — Lula furiously storms in] You’re so goddamn— BRAIN ROTTED!!!!!!! You and your forbidden snack Get outta my fairy face with that! I got something that you all lack But I ain’t here to talk trash Like that— [beat abruptly cuts] [Spoken] You think you’re so funny??? You’re just dirty laundry… [inhales] [soft little giggle] Hehehe… [Chorus — bouncy, ridiculous] TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! You’re gonna fucking— DIE, POD! DROP IT! DROP IT! GET THAT SHIT OUT YOUR MOUTH! TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! What are we even talking about?! Wash your shirt! Wash your socks! THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE FUCKING FOR! Not a snack! Put it back! GET YOUR ASS OUT THE LAUNDRY STORE! [Verse 1 — bratty fairy rap] Little squishy packet Pretty colors, yeah, I get it But you saw soap sitting there And said— “Hmm… maybe I should test it?” NO! Brain buffering Thoughts stuttering Fairy looking at you like “What the fuck is happening?” You need detergent Your clothes are hurtin’ But somehow eating laundry soap Was your first solution?! [Spoken, genuinely confused] How did we get here? Like actually. Who looked at LAUNDRY and got hungry?! [Pre-Chorus] Separate your colors Read the little tag Put your funky T-shirt In the laundry bag Cold wash! Quick spin! Dry it! Then begin— But if I see that pod Going near your lips again— [Lula scream] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [Chorus] TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! You’re gonna fucking— DIE, POD! DROP IT! DROP IT! GET THAT SHIT OUT YOUR MOUTH! TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! What are we even talking about?! Wash your shirt! Wash your socks! THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE FUCKING FOR! Not a snack! Put it back! GET YOUR ASS OUT THE LAUNDRY STORE! [Post-Chorus — sugary vocals] Washy washy Spinny spinny Clean and pretty Fresh and frilly Bubbles, bubbles Round and round— [voice suddenly drops] Why is the pod Back in your mouth? [Breakdown — everything gets unnecessarily heavy] DROP. THE. TIDE. PODS. [feral inhale] PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE!!!! [chugging guitars] DIRTY! LAUNDRY! DIRTY! LAUNDRY! You got stains on your shirt And a stain on your judgment! DIRTY! LAUNDRY! DIRTY! LAUNDRY! USE IT FOR YOUR CLOTHES! THAT’S THE END OF THE DISCUSSION! [glitching fairy laughter] Hehehehehe— [Verse 2 — fast, playful] Fabric softener Basket full Why am I explaining Something this simple? Sort it Pour it Push start Done! Congratulations, baby! Laundry can be fun! No fork! No plate! No seasoning needed! And if your washing machine gets hungry— THAT’S who you feed it! [beat stops] …Technically. Don’t feed your washing machine either. You know what I mean. [Final Chorus — huge] TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! You’re gonna fucking— DIE, POD! DROP IT! DROP IT! GET THAT SHIT OUT YOUR MOUTH! TIDE PODS! TIDE PODS! Fairy intervention RIGHT NOW! Wash your shirt! Wash your socks! Wash that crusty blanket too! Not a snack! PUT IT BACK! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M YELLING THIS AT YOU! [Outro — exhausted Lula] [heavy breathing] Okay… Laundry lesson over. [washer chime] Oh! My clothes are done. [softly] See? That’s how you use a Tide Pod. [long pause] …Why are you looking at it like that? DON’T— [hard cut]
