"Hello, everybody!" "I can be upfront with you all now. The leprechauns are just a metaphor." [Intro] Scuzzy’s laughin’, Dookie’s hootin’, bones still clackin’ in their tale, They’re talkin’ ‘bout a skeleton pit and drinkin’ coffin ale. I’m sittin’ small between ’em both, my stripes are feelin’ thin, So I clear my throat and raise my glass— “Well, you’ll not believe where I’ve been!” [Verse 1] I stumbled on a grotto, gold coins strewn upon the green, Glintin' like the teeth o' saints, with unholy scuzzpunk sheen. I said, “By God, I’m rich!”—but Scuzzy rolled her eyes, So I kicked a pile and muttered, “Eh, I ain't no capit'list swine.” I said, “Fuck the gold, the real weird bit came next,” As emerald eyes began to blink, bloodshot but clearly vexed— Out popped three dozen wee-folk, fuckin' drunk as alley rats, All cacklin’ green and knobby-kneed beneath their buckled hats. [Chorus] Oh, the leprechauns, the leprechauns, they dance amidst the stains, They jeer and jingle, mock my tune, then vanish in my brain. They’re laughin’ at my clumsy soul, my patched-up zebra pride, The leprechauns keep whisperin’, “You’ll never match her stride.” [Verse 2] I cranked my hurdy-gurdy just to make the bastards prance, A reel of rust and splinters, swept their feet up in a trance. They twirled and spun, but Scuzzy yawned—so I thought, “Aw hell, go big,” And told her how they tossed their pants and juggled with their figs. They smeared each other head to toe in shamrock grog and grime, They built monuments of filth and fucked 'em in perfect time. A rainbow slick of sweat and puke went runnin’ down the stones, And I played on, proud and loud, till they shattered their cojones. [Chorus] Oh, the leprechauns, the leprechauns, they caper in my shame, They point and snort and call me sweet, then laugh upon my name. They’re tiny little mirrors, each one gigglin’ “She’s too grand,” While I keep crankin’ louder, hopin’ she might understand. [Bridge] They cried, “Don’t take our treasure, lad, we’ll grant ye wish instead!” I said, “No gold, no crowns, just make me filthy hoof-to-head. Make me scuzzed and fucked and fearless, make me fuckin' foul and free, Make me the scuzziest scuzzpunk ever fuckin' doused with pee!” And lightning cracked, and every coin turned brown as Dookie’s drink, And I woke up smellin’ glory, or at least the outhouse stink. [Final Chorus] Oh, the leprechauns, those puke-stained clowns, still crawlin’ through my skull, They’re burpin’ bile and laughin’ loud, their pockets janglin' full. They’re pissin’ on my halo, scratchin’ “LOSER” on my hide, But I stomp and shout, “You green-eyed shits, I’m scuzzpunk certified!” [Outro] “And thatsh,” I slur, “why I’m the Scusshpunk Zebra here before you!” The bar goes dead, then Scuzzy laughs till the whiskey spews. She wipes her mouth and pulls me close, unzips my fly "Ha ha! I fuckin' love ya, Rawhide!" "Thank you!!"
