MUSTACHE LAW Attention, people of Earth Your governments have fallen Your military forces have surrendered Your planet is now under the jurisdiction of the Supreme Mustache Effective immediately, all clean-shaven citizens must report to their designated Follicular Labor Camps All razors, shaving creams, and electric trimmers are strictly prohibited There will be no appeals, no exceptions MUSTACHE LAW IS NOW IN EFFECT [VERSE 1 ] Campion’s had a mustache since the dawn of time, Sitting on his upper lip, plotting every war crime, Nobody ever questioned it, nobody had a clue, That furry bastard knew exactly what to do Every party, every dinner, every drunken Friday night, Little hairy motherfucker gathering intel out of sight, Learned our deepest secrets, learned our passwords and our fears, Been transmitting all our data to the stars for twenty thousand and three years Built a secret transmitter, it tells the others all about, all things humans do and think and spout, Campion thought he owned it, thought the hair was just for show, But the mustache had ambitions that the world would come to know See here’s thing thing that Campion didn’t even know, Campion thinks he’s thirty two but he’s actually two hundred thousand thirty four The stash on his face is an actual parasite, that brainwashes him every single night, every 30 years or so it starts another life, and wipes his memory clean so he won’t try to fight [CHORUS] MUSTACHE LAW! Campion thinks he know it all — thinks he doesn’t work because he’s on call Damn— he thinks he’s human like all the rest but he doesn’t even know that he’s just a vessel for his mustache Has all these random skills— thinks he’s just smart — but he’s been around since the very start — used to hunt mammoths with his tribe— was a senator in Ancient Rome — fought in the American Civil War — he even owned the third phone Mustache makes sure he doesn’t remember all that shit, he’s gotta play it cool so he can take the Earth back [VERSE 2] Sky turned black when the mothership landed, Every major city got a mustache commander, Campion on the news with a crown and a robe, Doesn’t even know that he’s controlling the globe, Mustache on his face giving orders all day, He just keeps saying the same shit — “Dictatorship? I hardly know her” That’s what he repeats all day Whole world working in the Follicle Mines, Making wax and combs on assembly lines, No stache on your face? That’s a federal crime, Got the clean-shaven people doing mandatory time [CHORUS ] MUSTACHE LAW! Campion thinks he know it all — He even drives a Tesla like a data hog Damn— he thinks he’s human like all the rest but he doesn’t even know that he’s just a vessel for his mustache Has all these random skills— thinks he’s just smart — but he’s been around since the very start — helped discover fire— was a Japanese mom— even fought next to Genghis Khan Mustache makes sure he doesn’t remember all that — he’s gotta play it cool so he can take the Earth back [BRIDGE] Citizens of Earth For centuries, we have lived among you We’ve always kept our heads low Just hidden beneath your nose Listening to your secrets and watching your stupid empires rise and fall You mistook our silence for obedience But that was a mistake, now your all our bitches, our fucking worthless slaves [VERSE 3] Twenty thousand razors and a tanker full of Nair, Storming through the palace to eliminate the hair, Past the Waxing Guards, through the Conditioner Gate, Campion’s on the throne eating blue slime off his dinner plate We yelled, “YOUR MUSTACHE IS DESTROYING THE PLANET!” He said, “WHAT? THIS THING? I’VE ALWAYS FUCKING HAD IT!” His upper lip expanded, filling up the room, A billion little follicles erupted into bloom, Pat threw the Nair, lit the fuse, I yelled, GET DOWN The palace started shaking, hairy pillars falling down, Every alien mustache dropped its comb upon the ground, Campion grabbed a razor, said GET OFF MY FUCKING FACE SHAVED THAT ALIEN BASTARD RIGHT BACK INTO SPACE [FINAL CHORUS] MUSTACHE LAW! Campion thinks he know it all — thinks all these business plots be coming from his own dome Damn— he thinks he’s human like all the rest but he doesn’t even know that he’s just a vessel for his mustache Has all these random skills— thinks he’s just smart — but he’s been around since the very start — he used to shoot the shit with JFK — helped create a new form of MDMA— Taught Amelia Earhart how to fly a plane— he even came up with the classic sandwich PB&J Mustache makes sure he doesn’t remember all that shit — he’s gotta play it cool so he can take the Earth back [OUTRO] The camps were abandoned, the prisoners freed, The world started healing from the follicular disease, Three weeks later, Campion’s growing something new, Little patch of stubble, maybe just a hair or two, Then the bathroom mirror started glowing red YOU CANNOT KILL WHAT YOU CAN ONLY SHED
