TRACK 08: “HR Can’t Handle This (Lap Dance Reprise)”

[Intro – Spoken in Flirty Monotone] “I’m here to discuss… employee morale.” “And baby, I brought… documentation.” [File drawer SLAMS in time with beat] [Verse 1 – Vocal Swag On Max] Walked into HR like a quarterly treat Popped a squat on the copier, skipped the seat Filing my hips in a Figure 8 Brought Form 88-P and a twist of fate My heels said ‘Due Diligence’ My ass said ‘Restructure This’ I made the printer blush Then I double-stapled my tits [Pre-Chorus – Whispered Chorus Over Funk Groove] Circle back... on this lap Inbox full of eye contact Flagged as “urgent” by your thighs Let’s put compliance in a crop top tonight [Chorus – Full Funk Explosion] 🎶 HR can’t handle this My grind don’t fit their risk matrix Their spreadsheet’s wet Their policies glitch I danced through audit—snatched the switch HR can’t handle this Form 88-P hit like a kiss I’m the loophole in their shame design Pole-dancing on the dotted line 🎶 [Verse 2 – Spoken / Half-Sung] They said “Please dress modestly.” I wore a memo and a smile. They said “Maintain boundaries.” I brought a rope… with knots pre-tied. I redacted their shame. Annotated their denial. I am your HR nightmare— But fully within policy. [Bridge – Funk Breakdown with Office FX] [copier jam] “Pleasure detected… in restricted zone…” [laughter + gasps + chair squeaks] “You are now entering: The Non-Mandatory Aftercare Lounge.” [Final Chorus – All Vocals, Crowd Energy] 🎶 HR can’t handle this Their ethics doc just blew a fuse My rebel booty’s in compliance But my moan broke your abuse HR can’t handle this Put me on paid sensual leave I’m twerking through the legal clause And I dare you not to believe 🎶 🫣 Outro – Giles 7.3 Reads a Memo Over Beat Fade: “Subject: Lap Dances on Campus – New HR Guidelines.” “Status: Ongoing.” “Mood: Moist.” [stamp sound] “Approved.”