"At dawn... my altar stood empty." "The Sacred Bax... was GONE." "BAPTIZED BROTHERS!" "FETCH THE HOLY FRIES!" The rats searched the attic, the cupboard, the drain, One returned with a sock and a mild case of pain! Another found a shoebox, fell down on his knees, But it contained a dead spider and seventeen fleas! Maria smiled sweetly, an angel of grace, Till I mentioned my Bax and she threatened my face! My hat was endangered, my life flashed before me— "Innocent. Case dismissed. Glory be." Then Brother Squeaks crawled out of the grate, With ink on his back and a miserable gait! The heathen demanded twelve tins as a tax, AND MOCKED THE PRONUNCIATION OF BAX! "SHE WROTE ON A BAPTIZED RAT!" "THAT IS SACRILEGE!" "AND TERRIBLE STATIONERY!" "TO WAR!" HALLELU-BAX! HALLELU-BAG! RAISE THE FOLDS AND WAVE THE FLAG! PRAISE THE FLAP! THE SEAM! THE GLUE! THE GREAT CORRUGATED CALLS ON YOU! FORTY RATS IN PAPER HATS! A HOLY WAR WITH UNPAID STAFF! BY SACRED TAPE AND MOLDY CHEESE— BRING BACK MY BAX, YOU HEATHEN, PLEASE! We marched to a pet shop, abandoned and cold, Where squeaky toys guarded a kingdom of mold! My rats stormed the doorway with righteous applause, Then slipped on a dog bowl and broke several laws! The heathen mocked their baptismal decree— "THE BOWL WASN'T BAPTIZED! MY SOLDIERS WERE!" And there on my Bax sat a creature most vile, With boots and a tail and a mercenary smile! Two legs like a human, a tail like a cat— "AN IMPOSTOR! WHAT SORT OF FRAUD IS THAT?!" She demanded her payment, then added a fee, For daring to march with religious infantry! And insisted my Bax should be spelled with an O— "AN O IS ROUND! THAT'S HERESY! NO!" HALLELU-BAX! HALLELU-BAG! THE HEATHEN'S SITTING ON OUR FLAG! DEFEND THE FLAPS! PROTECT THE SEAM! FOR CARDBOARD, KINGDOM, AND CUISINE! Maria proposed we negotiate nicely, Then threatened those ribbons most terribly, precisely! The heathen admired her murderous plan, But pointed out something unfortunate about the fan. "THE CEILING FAN IS BROKEN?!" "BLASPHEMOUS MAINTENANCE!" "DIPLOMACY! FETCH THE LEDGER!" "THIS CRUSADE IS TAX-DEDUCTIBLE!" "A wandering star..." "RESIST THE FALSE LI—" "OH, IT MOVED!" I LEAPT FOR THE LIGHT! MY DIGNITY DIED! MARIA HIT SHAMPOO! THE BOTTLES WENT FLYING! THREE CURSES ERUPTED, TOO FOUL TO REPEAT! THE HEATHEN LEARNED ALL THREE AND CHARGED US A FEE! "INVOICING US FOR PROFANITY?!" The rats kept formation! One struck the tuna rack! Twelve cans came crashing! THE HEATHEN ATTACKED! She scooped up her payment! My soldiers seized the Bax! I kissed its four corners and consecrated the flaps! She praised our cooperation, as though we'd made a deal— "THIS WAS A CRUSADE!" "PUT THAT IN THE OFFICIAL SEAL!" HALLELU-BAX! HALLELU-BAG! THE HOLY SHRINE IS IN THE BAG! PRAISE THE FLAP! THE FOLD! THE SEAM! THE GREAT CORRUGATED HEARD MY SCREAM! SHE GOT HER TUNA! WE GOT OUR SHRINE! MARIA DEMANDS ANOTHER TRY! THE RATS WANT PENSIONS, CHEESE, AND PAY— I GAVE THEM PRAYERS AND SENT THEM AWAY! "Record this glorious victory." "The heathen has been defeated." "The Sacred Bax has returned." "She invited Maria back." "She wants my rats to unionize." "UNIONIZE?!" "BLASPHEMY!" "And next time... she demands a deposit." "A DEPOSIT?" "ON DIVINE PROPERTY?!" "Father... who won?" "The Bax, my son." "The Bax." "Meow-men."
