[INTRO — smoky big-band jazz] [Upright bass / piano / brushed drums] [Libertine, smooth spoken] Apparently... I've been asked to tone down the theatrics. Something about “unnecessary escalation.” [brass chuckle] Unnecessary? Darling... if we're going to make a bad decision— we could at least give it proper fucking lighting. [SNARE ROLL] Curtain! UP! [BIG-BAND HIT → METALCORE RIFF] [VERSE 1 — punchy alternative punk] Smoke machine! TOO MUCH! Spotlight! TOO BRIGHT! Entrance music For a fucking Tuesday night! Velvet coat! WHY NOT?! Confetti! WHO CARES?! Somebody yelled, “You can't do that!” I'M ALREADY FUCKING THERE! You call it extra I call it flair Why enter quietly When stairs are there? Give me ten feet And half a chance— I'LL TURN A FUCKING WALK INTO A SONG AND DANCE! [PRE-CHORUS] They said— Tone it down! NO! Act your age! NO! Don't make a scene! OH... Now you've made it interesting. [CHORUS — huge metalcore/punk] THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! THEN TROUBLE LOOKS GOOD ON ME! Give me lights Give me smoke Give me unnecessary scenery! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! GOOD! LET'S MAKE IT DOUBLE! If I'm gonna make an entrance— I'M GONNA MAKE THE FUCKING BUILDING REMEMBER ME! Jazz hands! HEY! Breakdown! HEY! Spotlight! HEY! BAD IDEA! HEY! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE— AND I BROUGHT FUCKING BACKUP! [POST-CHORUS — brass/punk] Ba-da-da! HEY! Ba-da-da! HEY! Too dramatic? ABSOLUTELY! Any regrets? NOT CURRENTLY! [VERSE 2 — punk / jazz swagger] Every story needs an entrance Every argument needs strings Every mildly inconvenient moment— NEEDS A FUCKING BRASS SECTION! [horn blast] See? Better. You could simply say hello I could— But why? When I can kick the door wide open With a saxophone walking by? [sax flourish] You call attention I call staging You call chaos I call pacing You call me “a little fucking much” FINALLY! SOME ACCURATE REPORTING! [PRE-CHORUS] Be subtle! PASS! Behave! PASS! Don't encourage him! TOO LATE! If common sense Wanted an invitation— IT SHOULD'VE RSVP'D! [CHORUS] THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! THEN TROUBLE LOOKS GOOD ON ME! Give me lights Give me smoke Give me unnecessary scenery! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! GOOD! LET'S MAKE IT DOUBLE! If I'm gonna make an entrance— I'M GONNA MAKE THE FUCKING BUILDING REMEMBER ME! [BRIDGE — full jazz cabaret] [Walking bass / piano / saxophone] [Libertine, crooning] Now... there is a fine line between theatrical brilliance... and being a complete fucking nuisance. [pause] Fortunately... I erased the line. [brass hit] [Crooning] Give the people suspense Give the people surprise Give 'em something ridiculous They won't believe with their eyes Life is already serious Why make it serious twice? If we're stuck inside the circus— LET'S AT LEAST MAKE THE CIRCUS NICE! [Spoken] But there are rules. Timing. Commitment. And most importantly— if you're gonna do something stupid... [band stops] make it funny. [BUILD — swing accelerating] Trumpets! LOUDER! Saxophone! WILDER! Drummer! FASTER! Guitars! HEAVIER! Bad ideas?! [Crowd] MORE! BAD IDEAS?! MORE! [Libertine] Terrible influence. I fucking love you. ONE-TWO-THREE-GO! [BREAKDOWN — big-band metalcore] THE! A! TRICS! ARE! TROU! BLE! BRASS! HIT! GUITAR! HIT! DRUMS! HIT! EVERYBODY— OVERACT! TOO MUCH! NOT ENOUGH! MORE SMOKE! MORE STUFF! WHO THE FUCK APPROVED ALL THIS?! [Libertine] Me. [HEAVY HIT] Obviously. [SECOND BREAKDOWN] LIGHTS! CAMERA! BAD! DECISIONS! JAZZ! PUNK! HEAVY! RIFFS! YOU WANTED LESS?! YOU GOT MORE! NOW OPEN UP THE FUCKING FLOOR! [silence] [Libertine, whispered] And for the finale... something tasteful. [pause] [explosion / huge brass hit] [Libertine] I lied. [HEAVIEST DROP] MAKE IT FUCKING RIDICULOUS! [FINAL CHORUS — everything combined] THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! THEN TROUBLE LOOKS GOOD ON US! Give us horns Give us riffs Give us way too fucking much! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! GOOD! WE BROUGHT IT BY THE TRUCKLOAD! If life's already a fucking mess— THEN GIVE THE MESS A FUCKING SHOW! Jazz hands! HEY! Mosh pit! HEY! Big band! HEY! BREAKDOWN! HEY! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! THEATRICS ARE TROUBLE! THEATRICS ARE— [full stop] [Libertine] Worth it. [FINAL FULL-BAND HIT] FUCKING TROUBLE! [OUTRO — relaxed jazz piano] [Libertine, spoken] And that concludes tonight's tasteful, restrained performance. [crash] Guess you just learned my middle name add it to my tab Goodnight.
