[Intro: Catchy Cowpunk Guitar Riff] CACTUS!!!! [Verse 1] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a fuckin cactus to the head! [Shouted] HEY! HEY! HEY! [Chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a goddamn cactus to the head! [Shouted] LET'S GOOOOOOO! [Chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a cactus to your fuckin head! [Drum Solo: Galloping Toms] [Bridge] Cactus to the crotch Crank it up another notch 'Cause you stole my fuckin' watch You get a fuckin' cactus to the crotch! Cactus to the face Puts you right in your place How do you like the taste Of this fuckin cactus to your face! Cactus to the lips One between the tits Two between the hips How 'bout a cactus to the tits? [harmonica solo] [Outro: RAPID-FIRE SPOKEN WORD, NOT SUNG] [Very Fast Male Spoken Voice] Yeah, that's right, all you motherfuckers, man. You get a fuckin' cactus right to your fuckin' dome, bro. Yeah, it's like that. It means, "With love, from America." [Spoken Laugh] There's nothing more American than a cactus to the head, bro. Ain't nobody fuckin' safe. You know my boy Bruce? He gets a cactus to the head. Best to get him early in the morning, or he could get grouchy. My boy Reggie, yea, he gets a cactus to his face. No... not because he's Black. Because we love him. Don't make it weird. This one time I was makin' out with this chick in the fuckin' men's room, and out of the blue, her fuckin' boyfriend walks in and says... "Blah blah blah, thats my girlfriend, blah blah blah!!" Aaaaaah... You know he got a cactus to his head, bro. So we were all at the lake smoking weed one time and all of a sudden this chick runs up to me and just starts fuckin screaming at me,and then just starts like... tricking out, man. It was fucking weird. So i give a fucking cactus to her head and told her to "calm the fuck down" "bitch" CACTUUUUS!!! [DIFFERENT MALE VOICE: FAST, DRY, DEADPAN SPOKEN] I think my ex-girlfriend got a cactus to her crotch once, because her pubic hair was prickly. [LEAD MALE VOICE: RAPID SPOKEN] Yeah, bro. That was me. You're welcome. Hey, hey, Preston! You're my hero, dude. Will you please take this cactus to my head? Thanks bro My dad took one in the shoulder one time for barging into my room without knocking. THIS ISN'T YOUR FUCKING GARAGE, DAD! IT'S MY FUCKIN' ROOOOOOM! [Brief pause] Oh, and Dad... Mom's cheating on you. CACTUS!!!! [chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a fuckin cactus to the head! [Shouted] HEY! HEY! HEY! [Chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a goddamn cactus to the head! One time when I was in high school, I gave my P.E. teacher a cactus to the face, bro. He said, "Thanks. I needed that." I said, "I know." Mondo gets a cactus to his head. Fa sho'. President Trump gets a cactus to the head. You know your mama's so dumb, and she's such a ho, I'd give her a cactus to the head instead of money for sex. The whole fuckin' town of Oxnard! That's right, bro! NARD CORE! RIGHT TO THE FUCKIN' HEAD! Chicks too! Why not? They ain't special. Yes, the hot ones too, bro. French Canadians get a cactus to the dome too, bro. [SECOND MALE VOICE: FAST SPOKEN] What about regular Canadians? [LEAD MALE VOICE] Of course! Them especially! I was at this party this one time, and there were like ten people all smoking the same joint. So I took my shirt off, rolled my eyes to the back of my head, jumped right in the middle of 'em, and said: "ALRIGHT! WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKIN' BURNOUTS WANTS A CACTUS TO THE FACE FIRST?!" They just looked at me... ...and started laughing. CACTUUUUUUSSSS!!! [SECOND MALE VOICE: FAST SPOKEN] What about the UK? [LEAD MALE VOICE] England? Yeah, bro. They're our ancestral kin. Of course they get a cactus to the head, bro! They're our brothers, dude! Come on, man! [SECOND MALE VOICE: FAST SPOKEN] What about the Scots? [LEAD MALE VOICE] What the fuck are Scots? [SECOND MALE VOICE] You know... people from Scotland. [LEAD MALE VOICE: CONFUSED, RAPID SPOKEN] Dude, why wouldn't we give a cactus to the head to somebody from Scotland?! What the fuck is wrong with you? People fly in from all 8 corners of the earth, just to hopefully get the chance to take a cactus to the head bro Its on everybody i knows bucket list They gotta make that pilgrimage to the desert to take that cactus to the head at least once in their life time, you’ll know when the time is right. Ramadan starts this Friday, everybody. Get ready for that cactus on the 5th day, As-salamu alaykum.... A rabs Iran is fo show gonna get a cactus to the head, bro [FINAL SHOUT] CACTUUUUUUUSS!! CACTUS!!!! [Chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a cactus to your fuckin head! [Shouted] LET'S GOOOOOOO! [Chorus] Cactus to the head Did you hear what I just said? Right before you go to bed You get a cactus to your fuckin head! [Drum Solo: Galloping Toms] [Bridge] Cactus to the crotch Crank it
