I keep a list of little slips, little ticks, little reasons to leave when the feeling gets real, I read every sweet sentence in pieces, then twist every kindness until it can’t heal, You say I’m safe, I hear “wait,” hear a trap in the praise, hear a debt I will owe, So I pull you in close while I’m plotting the exit, convinced that I’m better off going alone. I make a case from a pause in your reply, take five quiet minutes and turn them to proof, Build a courtroom inside of my mind, cross-examine your eyes till I manufacture truth, I know which old wounds to reopen, which jokes to provoke, which exact little sentence will sting, Then act like the damage was something you brought when I’m the one pulling every last string. I sabotage, sabotage, soon as it’s safe I start raising the walls, I want your hands on my waist, then I change my shape, change the rules, change the calls, I build something solid, then split it with doubt, turn devotion to danger and trust into rust, If you give me a reason to stay, I go searching for ten reasons why staying is never enough. I sabotage, sabotage, make every good thing a test I can fail, I turn “I love you” to “prove it,” then move every goalpost and call it detail, I’d rather be right about leaving than risk being wrong about someone who chooses to stay, So I strike first, bite first, write the goodbye in my head before you can walk away. I keep receipts of the sweetest conversations, save every location, every date, every phrase, Just in case you change, I can frame it as evidence, sentence by sentence, then set it ablaze, You leave your jacket on the chair and my brain makes a map of the night you’ll disappear, So I punish tomorrow for something it hasn’t done, then congratulate myself for the fear. I can turn hesitation to accusation, affection to friction, a question to war, Make a microscopic moment enormous, then swear that I’ve seen this exact ending before, I type out a message, erase it, replace it, replay it, then send it with venomous grace, You read what I meant, not what I said, and I watch one more safe thing collapse in its place. I sabotage, sabotage, soon as it’s safe I start raising the walls, I want your hands on my waist, then I change my shape, change the rules, change the calls, I build something solid, then split it with doubt, turn devotion to danger and trust into rust, If you give me a reason to stay, I go searching for ten reasons why staying is never enough. I sabotage, sabotage, make every good thing a test I can fail, I turn “I love you” to “prove it,” then move every goalpost and call it detail, I’d rather be right about leaving than risk being wrong about someone who chooses to stay, So I strike first, bite first, write the goodbye in my head before you can walk away. Maybe I learned to leave before I’m left, so rejection feels chosen when I’m holding the knife, Maybe I call it control when I’m scared of surrender, scared that somebody might alter my life, Maybe every “I knew you’d go” is a prophecy I manufacture, then praise when it comes true, Maybe the hardest part isn’t finding someone to love me, it’s letting myself be loved by you. Don’t save me, I’ll make a reason, don’t chase me, I’ll change the meaning, Don’t hold me, I’ll call it pressure, don’t know me, I’ll make it lesser, I know the pattern, I know the timing, one small doubt and the whole thing’s sliding, But underneath all the blame I’m assigning, there’s one small part of me tired of hiding. I feel my hand reaching for the match, feel my mouth lining up another attack, One more accusation dressed as a question, one more reaction I’ll never take back, But this time I catch myself halfway through, see the old routine before it turns cruel, And maybe I don’t have to destroy what is good just because being loved makes me feel vulnerable. I sabotage, sabotage, soon as it’s safe I start raising the walls, I want your hands on my waist, but I’m done changing shape every time fear calls, I built something solid, I split it with doubt, but I’m learning that trust doesn’t need to be crushed, If you give me a reason to stay, maybe staying can be harder than running, but still worth the risk.
