Ah, family gatherings where the wine flows, the secrets simmer, and everyone’s a humble winner Here we go again the festive affair, Where compliments fly through the passive-air. “Darling, you look lovely!” (So does regret) We smile and sparkle it’s all etiquette. Each dish a duel, each toast a test, Each brag disguised in Sunday best. A well-timed joke, a subtle boast, We raise our glass… and eye the host. Oh, what a joy! What a fabulous thrill! To cheer each success (with a bitter pill). We clap and we grin, we “aww” and we beam, While plotting revenge like a family team. So here’s to the love so tender, so sweet, Where praise comes with daggers tucked under the seat. We pass the evil eye serving in a plate, “Go you!” we cry, as we salivate. Who brought the pie? Who got engaged? Let’s tally the wins, the slightly upstaged. Oh, we’re so supportive, we’re so refined, With backhanded love that’s borderline kind. The louder we cheer, the deeper the sigh, “Congrats, my dear! you’re almost as high.” Oh, what a joy! What a radiant night! Where envy wears pearls and sarcasm’s light. We “love you so much!” through a gritted smile, Competing with charm and internal bile. So here’s to the clan, where the warmth runs deep And passive-aggression rocks us to sleep. In this hall of kin and champagne fog, We bless each child, we praise each dog. We’re perfect, darling, can’t you tell? Just don’t fall behind… or you’ll go through hell. “To Aunt Marie!” (She cheated last year) “To little Jo!” (Rehab to get clean) “To all our wins!” (I’m still not okay) “To sweet success!” (That I paved the way) Oh, what a joy! What a marvelous feat! To battle with flair and look so elite. We toast and we twirl, we fake and we feel, We cry in the bathroom, then charm through the meal. Yes, here’s to the fam, so polished, so proud… (And please save dessert, I need to feel wowed.) But truly… we are just overjoyed… (at least until we’ve run out of booze.) BA-dum-tss!
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