[Intro] (Old vinyl crackle. Accordion warming up. Dusty boom bap beat.) Guildie: You still awake? Animist: Depends… what year is it? Guildie: You hit number one again. Animist: …I FUCKIN’ WHAT?! (Beat drops.) ⸻ [Chorus] Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! Animist: HUH?! SPEAK UP, SONNY! (Record scratch. Beat slams back.) All: NUMBER ONE FOR THE WEEK! Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! All: OLD MAN STILL OUT HERE TURNIN’ NERDS INTO MULCH! ⸻ [Verse 1] I’m pushin’ fifty, but I’m still in the fight, Need bifocals just to see the damn sight. Got the dexterity of a toddler on juice, Still topping the board as High As Fuck On These Mother Fuckin’ Nukes. Eight little mushrooms lined up in a row, Some call it RvR, I call it “watch ’em grow.” You bought a fancy mouse, a keyboard with lights, I bought ibuprofen… and I still win fights. Half these kills look accidental, that’s true, Sometimes I’m clickin’ you, sometimes Windows too. Quickcast, bomber, somebody hit the dirt… If I knew what I clicked, it’d probably be worse. ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] You got reflexes. I got arthritis. You got youth. I got bad ideas. You practiced rotations… I planted explosives. ⸻ [Chorus] Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! Animist: HUH?! SPEAK UP, SONNY! (Record scratch. Beat slams back.) All: NUMBER ONE FOR THE WEEK! Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! All: OLD MAN STILL OUT HERE TURNIN’ NERDS INTO MULCH! ⸻ [Verse 2] Can’t hear Discord, somebody yell it twice, Thought they said “push,” so I microwaved rice. Wrists pop louder than the kick and snare, Still got mushrooms stackin’ bodies everywhere. These kids got RGB glowin’ on the wall, Five hundred buttons and they still gonna fall. Ultra-wide monitors, thousand-dollar chairs, Still gettin’ folded by a man with gray hair. Solo kills, weekly points, top of the sheet, Y’all keep chasin’ me, I’m plantin’ concrete feet. Garden Warfare, welcome to the yard, Step on the flowerbed… respawn’s real hard. ⸻ [Breakdown] (Everything drops except kick and accordion.) Animist: Hold on… Lemme find my hearin’ aids… … Never mind. You’re dead anyway. (Massive beat drop.) ⸻ [Final Chorus] Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! Animist: …WHAT WERE WE YELLIN’ ABOUT? (Tiny pause.) All: NUMBER ONE IN SOLO KILLS! Crowd: HIGH AS FUCK! Crowd: ON THESE MOTHER FUCKIN’ NUKES! All: OLD MAN STILL OUT HERE TURNIN’ NERDS INTO MULCH! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE! CHECK THE DAMN LEADERBOARD! GET OFF MY LAWN… BEFORE I PLANT YA! ⸻ [Outro] Guildie: Seriously… what’s your secret? Animist: Caffeine… Ibuprofen… Questionable eyesight… Eight homicidal mushrooms… …and a whole lotta Garden Warfare.
