I Wash The Dead (So You Don’t Have To)

I clock in early, mate - the smell’s my perfume, I mop the silence in the cold fluorescent gloom. They say I’m smilin’ but it’s rigor, not delight Just another sunrise in the never-ending night. I scrub their toes while hummin’ Merseybeat, A bit o’ doo-wop punk to keep me on my feet. And when my mates ask, “Why d’you do it, son?” I say, “Somebody’s gotta - and I’m the lucky one!” I wash the dead - so you don’t have to! Sing it with me, lads - so you don’t have to! I shake their hands - they never shake back, But they laugh at my jokes (yeah!) better than my ex did, that’s a fact! I wash the dead - so you don’t have to! No holy visions, no celestial light, Just me, a sponge, and a corpse dressed in white. I tell ’em stories ’bout the pubs I used to wreck, They stay polite - never talkin’ back. Atheist anthem in the mortuary hall, No angels singin’, just my voice on the wall. And if there’s judgment day, well, judge me then I’ve got a front-row ticket to the end of all men. I whistle through the morgue, Like a cockney Sinatra, If death had a soundtrack I’m the bloody main act, yeah! I wash the dead - so you don’t have to! Come on, you cowards - so you don’t have to! If life’s a joke, then death’s the punchline, And I’m laughin’ loud enough to wake ’em up - nearly every time. I wash the dead - so you don’t have to! “Oi mate, what d’you do for a livin’?” “I scrub ’em clean - keep the afterlife spinnin’!” “Ain’t it grim?” “Yeah, but someone must - now sing the chorus while I hose off the dust!” I wash the dead - so you don’t have to! Last time, boys - so you don’t have to! I polish skulls with a punk-rock grin, If death’s a full stop - I’m the one fillin’ it in. I wash the dead - so you don’t have to!