DON’T LET HIM TOUCH ANYTHING—

[Intro – Instant hook, yelling over lute + stomps] DON’T LET HIM TOUCH ANYTHING— (too late) …why did it click? WHY DID IT CLICK?! [Chorus – Chanty, stupid catchy] Don’t let him touch anything Don’t let him near the loot Every time he says “I got this” We prepare a new recruit He said “I checked for traps already” He checked the vibes not the room Now the walls are closing in And the bard just got consumed [Verse 1 – rogue logic = zero brain] Chest in the middle of the room? Yeah that’s obviously safe No wires, no glow, no skeletons Just a perfectly normal place Party says “maybe roll perception?” I say “nah I trust my gut” My gut has a wisdom of eight And it’s mostly filled with dumb luck [Pre-Chorus – mechanics roast] Sleight of hand +7 Dex is looking clean DM says “last chance to check—” I say “watch this, I’m a machine” (roll sound) …Natural one. [Chorus – louder, more chaos] Don’t let him touch anything Don’t let him touch the door Last time he “handled it” We lost the tank and four He said “guys it’s probably fine” That’s his famous line Now I’m bleeding out in a hallway And he’s like “this was by design” [Verse 2 – it gets worse somehow] Found a hallway full of statues All their eyes are looking weird I slap one just to test it out Now they’re all aggressively aware Wizard’s screaming “those are cursed!” Cleric’s praying out loud Barbarian failed a dex save Now he’s part of the crowd [Pre-Chorus – DM trolling] DM’s smiling way too much That’s never a good sign He says “you hear a grinding noise…” I say “cool—investigation—” (roll sound) …another one. [Chorus – faster, funnier lines stacked] Don’t let him touch anything Don’t let him lead the way He opened one small treasure chest Now it’s boss fight day He said “I think it’s disarmed now” We all said “please just stop” He pressed a button labeled “DO NOT—” …and now we fight a god [Bridge – party arguing mid-disaster] Cleric: WHY do you keep doing this?! Wizard: That wasn’t even hidden!! Barbarian: I liked the last party better DM: Roll initiative. Rogue (me): …I think I made it worse [Bridge Drop – dumb confidence returns] Okay okay—new plan Nobody panic I learned from my mistakes …this time I use both hands (click) [Final Chorus – full tavern scream] Don’t let him touch anything Don’t let him breathe near gold Every dungeon turns to chaos Every story ends the same way told He says “trust me” — NEVER DO That’s how legends end We didn’t lose to monsters We lost to our own friend [Outro – quiet, defeated] …so uh… new campaign next week? DM: “No.”