I Shat My Pants at the Hallmark Store (Remastered)

90s country, swing, guitar solos, banjo, steel guitar, Christmas country, sleigh bells, jingle bells, honky tonk, festive, Christmas cheer, bells, upbeat

*sleigh bells*

It’s one of them hot ass Texas Decembers here
And I gotta spread some Christmas cheer
Why’s it gotta be so warm round Christmas time?

Hopped in my truck and cranked the AC
But that broken shit don’t do nothin for me
Pulled up drunk on eggnog, and Lordy now I’m aboutta drop a log

Well I shat my pants at the hallmark store
It started with a big kablamo fart
I aimed my ass at Mrs. Claus, and knocked her past the Christmas cards
I can’t stop shittin’, you know I ain’t quittin’, it ain’t gonna end todaaayy
I shat my fuckin pants in the fuckin damn shit ass hallmark store so get the fuck out of my way! I’m drunk!
I mean the hallmark store!

They called for a cleanup on aisle three
While the television played a shitty Christmas movie
I strutted over to the candy cane section 
And blasted it with come from my erection

Yeah I cleaned myself up quick
But I still gotta make more shit
Salvation Army Santa’s got his bell and ringing it
So I’m gonna fill his bucket full of my shit

*steel guitar solo*

*banjo solo*

Yeah I stared down the cashier
Yelled out “catch this christmas spirit here!”
Wiped some sweat after jerkin off
And sprayed shit all over the plastic rudolph
And I let out a giant stream of pee
And coated all the Christmas trees!

Baby I shat my pants some more
Oh then I stumbled to the liquor store
Went and bought myself a pack of beer
And got a DWI from Shiner Cheer

Oh yeah a hallmark store shit Well I made a hallmark store shit
Happy birthday Jesus! I made a big fuckin fart!
Grandma walked into the store
Then slipped from my poop on the floor

“Uh oh she’s dead!”
“Guess I’m on the naughty list. But the body’s still warm so I’ll try to get some head.”

*guitar solo*

Yay merry fartmas!

*guitar solo*

Yay fart!

2487/7500

*sleigh bells* It’s one of them hot ass Texas Decembers here And I gotta spread some Christmas cheer Why’s it gotta be so warm round Christmas time? Hopped in my truck and cranked the AC But that broken shit don’t do nothin for me Pulled up drunk on eggnog, and Lordy now I’m aboutta drop a log Well I shat my pants at the hallmark store It started with a big kablamo fart I aimed my ass at Mrs. Claus, and knocked her past the Christmas cards I can’t stop shittin’, you know I ain’t quittin’, it ain’t gonna end todaaayy I shat my fuckin pants in the fuckin damn shit ass hallmark store so get the fuck out of my way! I’m drunk! I mean the hallmark store! They called for a cleanup on aisle three While the television played a shitty Christmas movie I strutted over to the candy cane section And blasted it with come from my erection Yeah I cleaned myself up quick But I still gotta make more shit Salvation Army Santa’s got his bell and ringing it So I’m gonna fill his bucket full of my shit Well I shat my pants at the hallmark store It started with a big kablamo fart I aimed my ass at Mrs. Claus, and knocked her past the Christmas cards I can’t stop shittin’, you know I ain’t quittin’, it ain’t gonna end todaaayy I shat my fuckin pants in the fuckin damn shit ass hallmark store so get the fuck out of my way! I’m drunk! I mean the hallmark store! *steel guitar solo* *banjo solo* Yeah I stared down the cashier Yelled out “catch this christmas spirit here!” Wiped some sweat after jerkin off And sprayed shit all over the plastic rudolph And I let out a giant stream of pee And coated all the Christmas trees! Baby I shat my pants some more Oh then I stumbled to the liquor store Went and bought myself a pack of beer And got a DWI from Shiner Cheer Well I shat my pants at the hallmark store It started with a big kablamo fart I aimed my ass at Mrs. Claus, and knocked her past the Christmas cards I can’t stop shittin’, you know I ain’t quittin’, it ain’t gonna end todaaayy I shat my fuckin pants in the fuckin damn shit ass hallmark store so get the fuck out of my way! I’m drunk! I mean the hallmark store! Oh yeah a hallmark store shit Well I made a hallmark store shit Happy birthday Jesus! I made a big fuckin fart! Grandma walked into the store Then slipped from my poop on the floor “Uh oh she’s dead!” “Guess I’m on the naughty list. But the body’s still warm so I’ll try to get some head.” *guitar solo* Yay merry fartmas! *guitar solo* Yay fart!

0/500