[Intro – Spoken, over a dusty boom bap beat and tinny hold music] Yo. So I had to call the bank today. Big mistake. Big. Mistake. Two hours of my life I'll never get back. Let me tell you about it. [Verse 1 – Measured, storytelling, taking the piss] I called up the bank 'cos they took out a fee Thought it'd be quick, thought it'd be easy Pressed one for this, pressed two for that Pressed three for a person, got a robot instead Robot said "please say your name and date of birth" I said my name, it said "sorry, didn't catch that, try again, bruv" I said it again, louder this time It said "connecting you now, please hold the line" Then the music started, that tinny little tune That plays on a loop like a broken cartoon I sat there waiting, phone pressed to my ear Watching the minutes disappear, disappear [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] On hold, on hold, two hours of my life On hold, on hold, talking to a machine that ain't nice On hold, on hold, press one, press two, press three On hold, on hold, there's no one there for me On hold, on hold, I've forgotten why I rang On hold, on hold, I'm losing my brain On hold, on hold, this is British life On hold, on hold, welcome to the strife [Verse 2 – Faster, funnier, taking the piss harder] Forty-five minutes in, I'm starting to crack I've memorised the hold music, front to back I know when the violins are gonna swell I know when the flute comes in, I know it too well Then a voice says "hello, you're through to Dev" I said "Dev, mate, I've been waiting since half past seven" He said "sorry about that, how can I help?" I said "you took forty quid, I've got nothing left" He said "let me check that, can I take your name?" I said "I already gave it, three times, in the machine" He said "sorry, system's down, can you hold again?" I said "Dev, I swear, I'm gonna lose my brain" [Chorus – Catchy, comedic, anthemic] On hold, on hold, two hours of my life On hold, on hold, talking to a machine that ain't nice On hold, on hold, press one, press two, press three On hold, on hold, there's no one there for me On hold, on hold, I've forgotten why I rang On hold, on hold, I'm losing my brain On hold, on hold, this is British life On hold, on hold, welcome to the strife [Bridge – Stripped back, spoken over soft keys and hold music] Here's the thing, right. They do it on purpose. They want you to give up. They want you to hang up. They want you to say "forget it, it's only forty quid." And most people do. But not me. I've got time. I've got nowhere to be. I've got a phone charger and a cup of tea. So I'll sit here. And I'll wait. And I'll listen to that tinny little tune Until my ears bleed. Because it's the principle. It's always the principle. [Verse 3 – Resigned, funny, philosophical] Three hours later, I finally get through To a woman named Karen who sounds like she's new She said "sorry for the wait, how can I help?" I said "I've been on hold so long I forgot myself" She sorted it out in about thirty seconds Said "sorry again, is there anything else?" I said "yeah, can you tell the hold music to stop?" She laughed, said "I can't, it's part of the job" So I hung up the phone, sat back in my chair Wondered why I bother, wondered why I care But then I remembered, the forty quid's back And I sat there smiling like a maniac [Chorus – Warm, layered, comedic] On hold, on hold, two hours of my life On hold, on hold, talking to a machine that ain't nice On hold, on hold, press one, press two, press three On hold, on hold, there's no one there for me On hold, on hold, I've forgotten why I rang On hold, on hold, I'm losing my brain On hold, on hold, this is British life On hold, on hold, welcome to the strife Welcome to the strife Welcome to the strife [Outro – Spoken, over fading beat and hold music] So yeah. That's British customer service. Two hours on hold. For thirty seconds of help. But I got my forty quid back. And that's what matters. So if you're sitting there right now Listening to that tinny little tune Just remember. You're not alone. We're all on hold together. Press one for solidarity. Press two for a cup of tea. Press three to speak to a human. Good luck.
