[INTRO - Home Depot ambience, shopping cart rattling, distant power tools] [Gary - Spoken, completely sincere] So I went down to Home Depot last Saturday. Got a backyard that's looking like absolute shit. Weeds everywhere. Soil's compacted. Flower beds need turning. Threw on my favorite floral shirt, grabbed my sunglasses, and headed down to the garden center. I've been here twenty minutes. I've asked four employees. One of them called security. And I STILL haven't found what I'm looking for. SO LET ME ASK YOU PEOPLE ONE MORE TIME! WHERE. DA. HOES. AT?! [DJ SCRATCHES - GUITAR DROP] [CHORUS - Explosive nu-metal, gang vocals] WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! I GOT DIRT! I GOT WEEDS! I GOT GARDENING NEEDS! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! [VERSE 1 - Bouncy aggressive rap] Walked through the doors with a list in my hand Got a half-dead lawn and a landscaping plan Need a sturdy little tool with a handle and grip For the stubborn-ass weeds that are ruining my shit Asked the first guy, "Hey, where's your hoe section?" He stared at me like I needed an intervention Said, "Sir, can you tell me what you're looking for?" I SAID, "A HOE! NOW SHOW ME THE DOOR!" He backed away slowly, said he'd get his manager I'm just trying to garden, why's everybody panicking?! I got flower beds that need a little TLC AND A WHOLE LOTTA WEEDS THAT NEED TO REST IN PEACE! [PRE-CHORUS - Clean vocal building into screams] I NEED A LONG HANDLE! I NEED A STRONG BLADE! I NEED SOMETHING HEAVY FOR THE MESS THAT I MADE! WHY'S EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?! I'M JUST TRYING TO GET MY GARDEN ON TRACK! [CHORUS - Gang vocals, distorted bass] WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! I GOT DIRT! I GOT WEEDS! I GOT GARDENING NEEDS! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! [VERSE 2 - Faster rap, increasingly chaotic] Now the manager's here with a look in his eyes Like he just witnessed seven different crimes He says, "Sir, this behavior is making folks nervous" I said, "MY LAWN'S GOT ROOTS THAT ARE TESTING MY PURPOSE!" I need one for the dirt, one to break up the ground One for the tough little weeds that keep spreading around A Dutch hoe, a draw hoe, a garden hoe too I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL IT, JUST SHOW ME THE TOOLS! Some lady grabbed her kids and she hurried away I said, "Ma'am, these are gardening tools on display!" Security's approaching, I can hear the radio I JUST WANT MY GARDEN LOOKING LESS LIKE A PATIO FROM HELL, YO! [BREAK - Spoken, ominous silence] [Employee - Nervous] Sir... we have several types of garden hoes. [Gary - Relieved] OH, THANK GOD! [Employee] Would you mind lowering your voice? [Gary] WHY? ARE THEY SLEEPING?! [BREAKDOWN - Half-time chugs, screamed vocals] I'M NOT HERE FOR DRAMA! I'M NOT HERE FOR FAME! I'M HERE TO GET THE RIGHT TOOL FOR MY GARDENING GAME! GIVE ME THE BLADE! GIVE ME THE GRIP! GIVE ME THE TOOL THAT'LL HANDLE THIS SHIT! YOU GOT THE SHORT ONES?! YOU GOT THE LONG?! WHICH ONE'S GONNA HELP ME GET THESE DAMN WEEDS GONE?! [Gary - Full scream] I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN WITH A BACKYARD PLAN! I NEED A HOE IN EACH HAND! [Gang vocals] HOE! HOE! HOE! HOE! LET THE GARDENING FLOW! HOE! HOE! HOE! HOE! LET THE GARDENING FLOW! [FINAL CHORUS - Huge guitars, EDM synths, gang vocals] WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! I GOT DIRT! I GOT WEEDS! I GOT GARDENING NEEDS! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! I GOT DIRT! I GOT WEEDS! I GOT GARDENING NEEDS! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES! WHERE DA HOES AT?! [OUTRO - Music cuts, shopping cart rattles] [Employee - Exhausted] Sir, here's your garden hoe. [Gary - Delighted] THERE WE GO! WAS THAT SO HARD?! Now... where do you keep the wheelbarrows? [Employee - Barely audible] I'm calling my therapist. [Gary - Walking away, humming] Where da hoes at... Where da hoes at... Gotta get these weeds outta my backyard...
