I still remember the sound of my name Echoing sharp through the dust and the flame Orders were spoken, no room to ask why Just follow the line and keep your head high I held my breath as the door gave way Told myself this was the price we pay But something inside me started to break The moment I pulled the trigger awake They told me I was doing what I had to do They said the blame was never mine to choose But I still see their faces every night And no amount of water makes me clean inside There was a child in the corner of the room Holding a toy like it could stop the doom No uniform, no enemy sign Just fear in their eyes and the wrong place, wrong time I hear the silence after the sound How fast the world can shut you down We left that street without a word But something followed me home unheard They told me I was doing what I had to do They said the blame was never mine to choose But I still smell the smoke on my skin And no amount of prayer lets me in Back home they shake my hand with pride Say I’m a hero, say I survived They don’t ask what I had to become To make it back breathing, holding a gun I wash my hands till they start to bleed Scrubbing memories I don’t need But the stain is deeper than the skin It lives where forgiveness should begin They told me I was doing what I had to do They wrapped my guilt in red, white and blue But every medal feels like a lie When the truth won’t let me sleep at night I replay that moment again and again The look in their eyes, the weight of my hand If I could trade every breath I’ve got To undo that second, I swear I would not stop I’d lay down my name, my flag, my pride Just to hear one voice say they survived But the past doesn’t listen, it only stays Carved in my chest in permanent gray They told me I was doing what I had to do But no command can make this untrue I broke something I can’t repair And I carry their silence everywhere If you can hear me wherever you are I’m sorry for the things we are taught to call war I’m sorry my fear became your end I’m sorry… I don’t know how to make amends So I whisper this into the dark tonight Not for forgiveness, not for relief Just to say your lives mattered more Than the lie I was ordered to believe
