THE DEVIL'S GOT A NOODLE SHOP (Three Million Scovilles) [Roger Burns Band — Willie Walters lead] [INTRO — 85 BPM, lazy voodoo rockabilly shuffle. Slap upright bass, dirty Telecaster, steel-body resonator, Hammond B3. E hexatonic blues scale: E G A Bb B D. Low-tuned drums slightly behind beat.] [WILLIE — gravelly, cocky, conversational] Now I've eaten hot wings down in Buffalo, Had a little ghost pepper down in Mexico. Found a sauce up north called "Fuck Off" one day, Took one little taste and said, "Well, that's okay." I've been known to put some fire on my plate, Got a cast-iron stomach and a tongue made of slate. Then I bought me some noodles in a little black cup, Said "How hot can they be?" and I stirred 'em all up. [PRE-CHORUS — 100 BPM, resonator creeping upward] One little forkful, a confident grin, Then a tiny little tremor started under my skin. My ears turned red and my eyeballs crossed, And somewhere in Hell, somebody yelled— [WILLIE — SHOUT] "WE GOT ONE, BOSS!" [CHORUS — 120 BPM, manic rockabilly] My tongue's on fire and my lips are red! There's a five-alarm blaze inside my head! I called the preacher, he said, "Son, don't pray— The Devil's cookin' down at the noodle café!" [BACKING VOCALS — SHOUT] HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! [WILLIE] Somebody bring me a gallon of snow! I swallowed a bowlful of molten volcano! I thought I was tough, now I'm ringin' the bell— I bought me some noodles and a ticket to Hell! [INSTRUMENTAL — 8 BARS, 130 BPM] [Telecaster and resonator trade increasingly frantic hexatonic blues licks. Slap bass doubles every fourth bar.] [VERSE 2 — 135 BPM, COUNTRY AUCTIONEER PATTER] I tried a glass of water, that was my mistake, I tried a piece of bread and half a birthday cake. Tried a jug of milk and a bucket of cream, Now I'm runnin' round the kitchen like a steam-powered machine! My nose started runnin', my forehead began to sweat, I ain't even reached the bottom of the noodle bowl yet! The dog took one sniff and abandoned the room, And the smoke alarm hollered, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DOOM!" [BREAK — 140 BPM] [WILLIE — SPOKEN] Now, boys, let me explain the Scoville scale. [CONOR — DEEP DEADPAN] You got about four seconds. [PEPPER RUN — 145→175 BPM] [Each pepper ASCENDS one note of E hexatonic blues. Each line faster than the last. Bass doubles melody, drums intensify.] [E — BELL PEPPER, LAZY] Bell pepper's sweet, ain't nothin' to fear! [G — JALAPEÑO] Jalapeño! Bring another beer! [A — SERRANO] Serrano! Now we're startin' to sweat! [B-FLAT — CAYENNE, DISSONANT TRITONE] Cayenne! LORD, I AIN'T DONE YET! [B — HABANERO] Habanero! My ears are turnin' blue! [D — GHOST PEPPER, DOUBLE-TIME] GHOST PEPPER! I'M SEEIN' RIGHT THROUGH YOU! [HIGH E — CAROLINA REAPER, TRIPLE-TIME] CAROLINA REAPER! RING THE FIREHOUSE BELL! [ABRUPT STOP — SILENCE] [WILLIE — WHISPER] What's... Pepper X? [CONOR — DEADPAN] Two point six nine million. [WILLIE — SHRIEK] THAT'S NOT A PEPPER! THAT'S A WEAPON FROM HELL! [RESONATOR — SCREAMING ASCENDING GLISSANDO] [DRUMS — EXPLOSIVE FILL] [BRIDGE — 165 BPM, DARK VOODOO BLUES] I saw a man in a black suit, grinnin' by the door, Said, "I used to make my deals down at the crossroads before. But souls ain't worth what they were in the good old days, So I opened me a noodle shop and set the world ablaze." He said, "I got a special sauce, three million on the scale, One little dab'll put some thunder in your tail." I said, "I've had enough!" He said, "Then here's your bill." I looked down at the bottom— [WILLIE — SHOUT] "REFILLS ARE FREE?!" [FINAL CHORUS — 185 BPM, OUT-OF-CONTROL ROCKABILLY] My tongue's on fire and my lips are red! There's a five-alarm blaze inside my head! The preacher's gone and the firemen fled, And the Devil's in the kitchen makin' garlic bread! [BACKING VOCALS — FRANTIC] HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! [WILLIE — RAPID-FIRE] Jalapeño-serrano-cayenne-habanero! Ghost pepper, Reaper, somebody call a hero! Three million Scovilles and I'm still alive— But I ain't quite sure if I'll make it to five! [INSTRUMENTAL — 8 BARS, 185 BPM] [Insane Telecaster/steel-resonator duel. Slap bass galloping, double-time snare, Hammond stabbing diminished chords. Accelerating chromatic run.] [OUTRO — SUDDEN DROP TO 65 BPM] [Only upright bass and brushed snare. Willie gasping.] [WILLIE — EXHAUSTED] Well... at least it can't get any hotter. [CONOR — SPOKEN, VERY LOW] You want to try the two-times spicy? [WILLIE — HORRIFIED] TWO TIMES?! [ONE FINAL DRUM CRASH] [CONOR — QUIETLY] A little dab'll do ya. [END — NO REPEATS]
