The People Vs. Tiny Danielle

[FX: courtroom murmurs • pool whistle • recess bell • gavel SLAM • cassette CLICK] [JUDGE] Court is now in session… The defendant… Age seven… (teehee) Occupation… Professional bad decision. (BEAT DROPS) ⸻ (VERSE ONE) Summer camp, little backpack, pigtails bouncing, tiny criminal mastermind plotting attacks, (ooh) walking by the snack bar minding my business, then I spotted three quarters just sitting like snacks. (Hmm) Nobody around? Well obviously fate was investing in me, my seven-year-old brain said, “Finders keepers,” so naturally I agreed. Bought a couple ice pops feeling rich for approximately ninety seconds flat, (yummy) till somebody pointed, “She took that money!” Well… imagine that. Office chair looked way too big while I waited on my dad, looking like I’d robbed a federal bank instead of seventy-five cents I never had. ⸻ (CHORUS) LOCK HER UP! CALL THE COPS! Hide your wallets, hide your pops! Wanted poster on the wall— “Height: extremely small!” (Hey!) LOCK HER UP! SHE’S A THREAT! Biggest crime scene camp has met! Three damn quarters… Two ice pops… Apparently I couldn’t stop. (Mmmm) ⸻ (VERSE TWO) Dad walks in wearing disappointment with the world’s longest sigh, (hello father) didn’t even yell—that somehow hurt a whole lot more inside. Made me write, “I will not steal,” one hundred lines till my fingers cramped, like Shakespeare himself was grading every sentence in the camp. Grounded for a month… sentence sounded rough, good behavior got me out in two days—guess parole was enough. (Thanks!) Case dismissed? Absolutely not… Because then… My brain watched Waterboy. ⸻ (VERSE THREE) Bobby Boucher checking mail, reading words across the page, tiny Danielle watching closely like I’m studying a play. “Eat shit and die…” Couldn’t swear… So my genius rewrote history: “Eat crap and die… Signed… Everybody.” (Everybody!) Boy I liked kept being mean, so my little brain declared, “If Hollywood can do revenge, then clearly I am fully prepared.” Wrote the note, dropped it gently on his backpack with a grin, (teehee) hid inside the locker room to witness my diabolical win. ⸻ (BREAKDOWN) [FX: suspense strings • heartbeat • tiny footsteps] He picked it up… Started reading… Little shoulders started shaking… Then… He cried. … And seven-year-old me? (tiny evil laugh) “Heh…” (Yeah) Mission accomplished… For approximately… Thirty seconds. Little girl runs through the locker room— “They’re looking for you!” … Well… Shit. ⸻ (FINAL VERSE) Office… Again. Dad… Again. Camp director looking like I’d started organized crime at ten. Sentence read: “Expelled.” No appeal. No second chance to plead my case, just me discovering actions occasionally arrive with consequences. Then came Dad’s final punishment… (uh oh) No more Waterboy. No more PG-13. Adam Sandler got sentenced too… For crimes committed… By me. Apparently Hollywood had corrupted my fragile little brain, or maybe I was just a dramatic kid who couldn’t stay in her lane. Either way the legend spread, the camp survived another day… And somewhere there’s a grown man thinking, “Why did that little girl hate me anyway?” ⸻ (FINAL CHORUS) THE PEOPLE… VERSUS… TINY DANIELLE! Charges include… Ice-pop theft… Psychological warfare… And excessive theatrical flair! LOCK HER UP! RING THE BELL! (Ring ring!) She made summer camp a living hell! Three damn quarters… One rude note… Biggest villain… Under four foot. ⸻ (OUTRO) [FX: gavel • pool whistle • audience laughing] [JUDGE] Miss Danielle… Anything you’d like to say… Before sentencing? [DANIELLE] … In my defense… I was seven. … Also… (Heh) That movie made it look… Like a really good idea. [FX: courtroom erupts in laughter • cassette EJECT • silence]