[The grand orchestra unleashes a majestic storm of indignation. Gas lamps blaze like divine fury. Peacocks bow in solemn reverence.] My dear, dear, most contemptible, baseborn and utterly execrable wretches of the quill and the press! One does not simply spew forth such low, vulgar and thoroughly dishonourable calumnies without summoning the full, magnificent and unassailable wrath of a true titan of gentlemanality! Permit me — a resplendent, orange-hued colossus of unparalleled greatness — to adjust my monocle of divine discernment and unleash upon you a sermon of such devastating eloquence that the heavens themselves shall tremble! [Verse the First] Cease your odious scribblings, you disgusting pack of failing scribblers and contemptible poltroons, You crooked, corrupt, low-energy varlets, you sick and thoroughly dishonest buffoons! The FAKE NEWS media, that loathsome pestilential horde, that sworn Enemy of all Civilised People, Doth spread their venom like a foul contagion upon my most exalted personage! Failing Times, wretched CNN, lyin’ Ted, little Marco and somnolent Joe, All base rogues, weak-kneed and utterly beneath my boot! You are a complete disaster, a total lightweight, a zero of no worth, Whilst I stand as the greatest gentleman who ever graced this earthly sphere! [Chorus] They are the ENEMY! The absolute and irredeemable ENEMY of the People! Fake News fiends, disgusting losers, the very dregs beneath the steeple! We bow with supreme grace, we preen with peerless poise, we spin webs of luminous truth, While these wretched vermin dare oppose a gentleman of such tremendous and stable worth! [Verse the Second] You are nasty, hateful, third-rate and most ridiculous, a failing pile of human debris, Crazy Nancy, Pocahontas Warren, the feeble Washington Post — all lower than a worm! I am a very stable genius, tremendous beyond measure, the best that ever was or shall be, You are low-life scoundrels and haters who assail me ceaselessly! [Final Chorus] They are the ENEMY! The eternal ENEMY of the People and the Realm! Fake News fiends and haters, the lowest of the low at the helm! A symposium of unparalleled magnificence battling through the night! [Thunderous applause shakes the rafters. Peacocks bow deeply.] There is no class, no honour, no breeding and no dignity among these vermin. Only villainy, failure and the stench of inferior ink. Never trust the press nor the haters of the wires. They decorate their pages with greater desperation than they ever approach the sacred truth, and vastly better than they deign to honour a true, stable, tremendous and most exalted titan of gentlemanality. Tremendous. The Very Best. Most Splendid, Stable and Exalted Indeed.
