[Spoken Intro — deep Southern drawl, frogs and insects, distant thunder] Folks around here don't talk much about what lives beneath that water. But when the moon gets high... and the swamp gets still... Sometimes... it rises. [Dirty guitar riff] [Verse 1] Way down south where the blackwater bends There's a tale passed down from your grandpa's friends About something long swimming under that moon Scared three fishermen clean outta their canoe Old man Earl said, "Son, I've seen some shit But I ain't never seen no damn fish like this" Long pale body and a strange-shaped head Earl took one look and turned around instead [Pre-Chorus] Some call it nature Some call it bizarre But everybody 'round here knows— [Band stop] The Schlong Gar. [Chorus — huge Southern-rock groove] SCHLONG GAR! Swimming through the bayou SCHLONG GAR! Lord knows what God was trying to do Long and lean, ugly as sin You ain't gonna believe it till you see him swim Don't need a boat Don't need sonar Just keep your eyes peeled For the SCHLONG GAR! [Gang Vocals] SCHLONG GAR! [Verse 2] Game warden came with a measuring tape Took one good look and said, "Nope. I'm taking a break." Biologist showed up from LSU Said, "Technically speaking... I ain't got a clue." They checked his fins They checked his scales Took seventeen pictures from his head to his tail Professor scratched his beard underneath the stars Said, "Science ain't prepared for the Schlong Gar." [Pre-Chorus] Could be evolution Could've come from Mars Could be Mother Nature Drinking at the bar Whatever made him Sure went too far— [Band stop] The Schlong Gar. [Chorus] SCHLONG GAR! Swimming through the bayou SCHLONG GAR! Lord knows what God was trying to do Long and lean, ugly as sin You ain't gonna believe it till you see him swim Don't need a boat Don't need sonar Just keep your eyes peeled For the SCHLONG GAR! [Breakdown — swamp percussion, bass, jaw harp] [Spoken] Now tourists started coming. That was our first mistake. [Verse 3] They came from Georgia, Tennessee Michigan boys saying, "I gotta see" Bought T-shirts, hats and mason jars Saying, "I survived the Schlong Gar" Some fool tried catching him with a pole Lost his bait, his dignity, and damn near his soul Fish jumped once and slapped his boat Now there's one less GoPro and a missing coat [Breakdown] He ain't a catfish He ain't no bass And nobody knows why he's shaped that way He ain't a sturgeon Ain't no carp [Whisper] He's something else... [Full band] THE SCHLONG GAR! [Bridge — overly dramatic cinematic build] Some legends come from battles Some are written in the stars Some rise from muddy water Looking anatomically bizarre So raise your glass to mysteries No scientist can explain To the strangest damn creature Ever swimming through the rain [Dead silence] [Spoken] Majestic bastard. [Massive guitar riff] [Final Chorus] SCHLONG GAR! KING OF THE BAYOU! SCHLONG GAR! Ain't nobody gonna tell him what to do! Long and lean, ugly as sin Lord have mercy, there he goes again From the muddy banks To the honky-tonk bars Everybody raise one up FOR THE SCHLONG GAR! [Gang Vocals] SCHLONG GAR! [Call and Response] WHO RULES THE WATER? SCHLONG GAR! WHO HAUNTS YOUR DREAMS? SCHLONG GAR! WHO THE HELL NAMED HIM? [Silence] ...Brian. [Final guitar explosion] [Outro — frogs, water splashing] [Spoken, distant] Hey Earl... What's that sticking out of the water? [Pause] Earl? [Boat motor starts frantically] [Fade out]
