# EVIL BASTARD [INTRO – cheap organ | mechanical stomp] I tried being good. Terrible plan. Held every door. Helped every man. Where’s my certificate? Where’s my prize? Nothing. Fine. [VERSE 1] I leave one second On the microwave. 00:01. That’s how I behave. Empty ice tray Back in the stack. Used all the toilet paper. Didn’t put it back. [CHORUS – robotic backup voices] EVIL BASTARD! Petty disaster! EVIL BASTARD! Getting worse faster! I don’t need a death ray! I don’t need the moon! I press both elevator buttons And leave the room! [VERSE 2] WET PAINT sign. HOW WET? DO NOT TOUCH. NOT YET. PLEASE WAIT HERE. I walk away. EMPLOYEES ONLY? Not today. [BREAK – rising Shepard tone | rubbery bass | gong] DO NOT SHAKE MACHINE. [whisper] Shake it. [LOUD METALLIC GONG] GONNNNNNG! [CHORUS] EVIL BASTARD! Petty disaster! EVIL BASTARD! Getting worse faster! Three tablespoons Left in the jar. Technically speaking, I DIDN’T GO TOO FAR! [BRIDGE – creepy toy piano] Someday I’ll own A swivel chair. One giant button. Nothing there. You shouldn’t have come here. [CLICK] [TOASTER POPS] [OUTRO – robotic chant | Shepard tone never resolves] No master plan. No supervision. No master plan. Bad decisions. EVIL BASTARD! EVIL BASTARD! [whisper] How wet?
