NO RUNNING. Walk quickly while pretending you are not running. NO DIVING. Unless you have dramatically announced your intentions. NO GLASS. Windows remain under investigation. NO PEEING IN THE POOL. Peeing into the pool from outside is an entirely separate violation. SHOWER BEFORE ENTERING. Your previous shower from Tuesday does not count. NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY. The inflatable flamingo has seniority. CHILDREN MUST BE SUPERVISED. Adults have apparently been written off. NO HORSEPLAY. Horses are not permitted in the pool. NO FOOD OR DRINK. The pool itself contains approximately 11 gallons of accidental leakage. NO PETS. The raccoon is not ours. DO NOT SWALLOW THE WATER. We cannot emphasize this enough. DO NOT ENTER WITH DIARRHEA. We cannot believe this needed a sign. BANDAGES MUST REMAIN ATTACHED TO THEIR ORIGINAL OWNER. IF YOU FIND A BANDAGE, IT IS NOT YOURS. DO NOT MOVE THE DECK CHAIRS. They have been arranged according to ancient law. NO LOUD MUSIC. Unless management likes the song. NO FLOATS LARGER THAN THE PERSON RIDING THEM. THE DEEP END IS NOT A PERSONALITY TEST. DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE POOL ROBOT. THE POOL ROBOT DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU. STOP TRYING TO RIDE THE POOL ROBOT. NO SEX IN THE POOL. The security cameras are better than you think. NO FIGHTING. Settle disputes through synchronized swimming. NO BREATH-HOLDING CONTESTS. The winner eventually becomes the loser. DO NOT FAKE DROWNING. Steve. NO CHICKEN FIGHTS. Chickens cannot swim and were never consulted. DO NOT THROW PEOPLE INTO THE POOL. Even if everyone agrees they deserve it. THE HOT TUB IS NOT SOUP. DO NOT ADD INGREDIENTS TO THE HOT TUB. THE BUBBLES ARE MECHANICAL. PLEASE KEEP THEM THAT WAY. NO NUDITY. We already had a meeting. SWIMWEAR MUST REMAIN ON YOUR BODY. This includes underwater. DO NOT ASK WHY THE POOL IS WARMER IN THAT CORNER. IF THE WATER CHANGES COLOR, LEAVE. IF THE WATER STARTS TALKING, LEAVE FASTER. NO SUMMONING ENTITIES IN THE SHALLOW END. THE DRAIN IS NOT A PORTAL. STOP PUTTING YOUR FACE NEAR THE DRAIN TO CHECK. NO RUNNING FROM THE THING IN THE FILTER ROOM. ACTUALLY, RUN. DO NOT FEED THE LIFEGUARD AFTER MIDNIGHT. ONE PERSON PER NOODLE. THE NOODLE IS NOT A WEAPON. THE NOODLE IS ALSO NOT A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. NO ATTEMPTING TO CROSS THE ENTIRE POOL WITHOUT SURFACING TO IMPRESS SOMEONE. THEY ARE NOT WATCHING. NO SCREAMING UNLESS SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY WRONG. A BEE IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. POOL CLOSES AT 10:00 P.M. WHATEVER REMAINS IN THE WATER AFTER 10:00 BELONGS TO THE POOL.
