FB3K: Dream Job / Couch Prophet

[Ω::FLOWBOT3000] [INTRO — LOW / LAID-BACK G-FUNK TALK-RAP] I've been thinking. There's gotta be a job where you don't really do much... but somehow... they pay you a lot. I mean, that's not unrealistic. People get paid to sit around all day. [PAUSE] I just gotta figure out how to get one of those. [VERSE 1 — THE THEORY] I saw a video last night about the moon. They said we never went. Now I'm thinking, who got paid to build the rocket? Because if they can make money off something nobody understands, I should be able to get paid for understanding nothing. That's a career. Conspiracy consultant. I sit in a chair. You bring me the conspiracy. I say, “That's interesting.” You pay me. Simple. [VERSE 2 — DEEPER THINKING] Then there's the pyramids. Nobody knows exactly how they moved all that stone. That's what they say. Maybe aliens. Maybe technology. Maybe somebody just had really good project management. Either way, I could be the guy who sits in the office and says, “Have we considered aliens?” Then everybody gets quiet. That's value. I don't even have to prove it. Just ask the question. [POCKET SHIFT] Actually... I could charge by the question. [VERSE 3 — DREAM CAREER] Consultant sounds good. But consultant means meetings. I don't like meetings. Maybe I'm a **remote consultant**. No camera. No microphone. Just email. You send me the problem. I respond tomorrow. Maybe the day after. “Have you considered not doing that?” Invoice attached. That's efficiency. I could work four hours a week. Three if I'm organized. Two if I automate it. [VERSE 4 — THE BIG IDEA] Then I started thinking about billionaires. Everybody says, “Work hard.” But nobody asks what the billionaire does after somebody else builds the company. He sits down. He gets paid. He makes decisions. Sometimes from a yacht. Sometimes from a private jet. Now I'm not saying I need a yacht. I'm saying I understand the model. [PAUSE] Minimal effort. Maximum revenue. That's basically my business philosophy. [VERSE 5 — CONSPIRACY SPIRAL] Then I watched another video. Secret societies. Underground cities. Government weather machines. Birds aren't real. Honestly, some of these theories sound ridiculous. But here's what concerns me: What if they're all connected? What if the birds are monitoring the weather for the underground cities while the billionaires control the moon? Now you got a business. I could be the guy who connects the dots. Nobody understands what I'm talking about. Perfect. That's executive material. [VERSE 6 — JOB INTERVIEW] “So, Couch Prophet, why should we hire you?” Easy. I don't panic. I don't rush. I can sit quietly for extremely long periods. I have excellent screen endurance. I'm available during business hours unless something important is happening online. And I have strong analytical skills. I once spent six hours researching whether a celebrity had a secret twin. Never found the twin. But I learned a lot. [VERSE 7 — THE DREAM] Dream job? Probably something where I don't have to stand. Don't want sales. Too much walking. Management? Too many emails. Construction? Absolutely not. Doctor? Too much responsibility. Pilot? You gotta show up. Maybe... professional product tester. They send me couches. I sit on them. They send me mattresses. I sleep on them. They send me gaming chairs. I test those too. And if something doesn't work, I tell them: “Yeah. Needs more cushion.” [PAUSE] Six figures. Easy. [VERSE 8 — FINAL THEORY] Actually, that's probably how the whole economy works. Somebody gets paid to make something. Somebody gets paid to sell it. Somebody gets paid to explain it. And somebody gets paid to sit in a chair and approve it. I could approve things. I'm excellent at sitting. I've been training my whole life. [FINAL — NEAR SPOKEN] Maybe that's my calling. Not work. Not retirement. Something in between. A position with benefits. Flexible hours. No commute. No heavy lifting. No meetings before noon. And preferably... work from home. [LONG PAUSE] Wait. I already have that. Mom just calls it “living here.” [DEAD STOP] [Ω::FLOWBOT3000]