[INTRO —] [MALE WOODSMAN — ] Well, well… What have we got here? [FEMALE MUSHROOM QUEEN — breathy, amused] Depends. You lost? [MALE] Not anymore. [FEMALE] Cute. [VERSE 1 — ] I came through the thicket with mud on my knees, Red hair wild and a mouth full of tease, Mushroom hat tilted, boots in the green— [MALE] You must be the Mushroom Queen. [FEMALE] Finally. A man who can read. I’ve got bells on my garter, moss on my sleeve, A fox at my table who refuses to leave, The whole woods know when I walk on through— [MALE] I think they noticed before I did too. [VERSE 2 —] I’ve been chopping wood since quarter past nine— [FEMALE] Oh, I bet you have. [MALE] I meant actual wood. [FEMALE] Mm-hmm. [MALE} Got an axe on my shoulder, mud on my jeans, Never thought I’d meet royalty out in the green— [FEMALE] Careful, woodsman, you’re staring. [MALE] I’m observing. [FEMALE] Poorly. [PRE-CHORUS — ] [MALE] You always dress like that? [FEMALE] Only when I’m decent. [MALE] That’s decent? [FEMALE] For the forest. [MALE] And when you’re not? [FEMALE — whisper] Ask the moon. [CHORUS —] [FEMALE —] I’m the Mushroom Queen! [MALE] And you’re causing quite a scene! [FEMALE] Red hair swinging, bells in time— [MALE] I suddenly like botany just fine. [FEMALE] Come a little closer to the green— [MALE] This feels mildly unwise. [FEMALE] Perfect. [BOTH] LONG LIVE THE MUSHROOM QUEEN! [VERSE 3 —] I’ve got chanterelles tucked under my sash, A pocket full of trouble and a little bit of sass, The fairies all gossip when I walk by— [MALE] That explains the buzzing. [FEMALE] That’s not the bees. [MALE] Oh. [FEMALE] The moon knows my name, the moss knows my step, And the woodsman looks nervous— [MALE] I’m showing respect. [BRIDGE — flirty spoken duet] [FEMALE — close whisper] Tell me, woodsman… How big is your— [MALE] Axe. [FEMALE] I was going to say ego. [MALE] Oh. [FEMALE] But sure. [MALE] It’s a respectable axe. [FEMALE] I’m sure it is. [FEMALE] Come dance with me. [MALE] Define dance. [FEMALE] Hands here. [MALE] Bold. [FEMALE] You followed a redhead into an enchanted forest. [MALE] Fair point. [BREAKDOWN — fast, funny, bouncy] [FEMALE] Step to the left! [MALE] There’s a root! [FEMALE] Step to the right! [MALE] There’s another root! [FEMALE] Grab my waist! [MALE] Politely? [FEMALE] Don’t ruin it! [MALE] I’m trying to be a gentleman! [FEMALE] You arrived shirtless! [MALE] It’s humid! [FINAL CHORUS —] [FEMALE] I’m the Mushroom Queen! [MALE] And I’ve completely lost the scene! [FEMALE] Red hair flying, crown askew— [MALE] I blame the forest. Possibly you. [FEMALE] Ring the bells and shake the green [MALE] That sounded dirtier than intended. [FEMALE] Did it? [BOTH] LONG LIVE THE MUSHROOM QUEEN! [FEMALE] LONG LIVE THE MUSHROOM QUEEN! [OUTRO—] [MALE] Do I get a title? [FEMALE] Maybe. [MALE] Royal Woodsman? [FEMALE] Too obvious. [MALE] Keeper of the Wood? [silence] [FEMALE] There it is.
