I watch the flame But I don't touch. I let you close, Then call it much too much. Your knee meets mine beneath the seat. I move away. You let me be. I call it strength, this holding still. I'm scared you'd touch me if I let you. I could break. I could fall. I say no. I want it all. I'm the saint of nothing, Holy out of fear. I can bear the thought of you, But not your body here. Lust beneath the linen, Guilt beneath the smile. I keep my hands where you can see And call that sacrifice. I talk in thirst. I sleep in want. Rehearse the touch I'll say I never thought about. I leave a space for you in bed, Then lie across it every night. It's easy wanting someone here When there's nobody here to try. My penance is the open door. Your coat is hanging in the hall. You ask me what I'm waiting for. I say I don't. You know there's more. I'm the saint of nothing, Holy out of fear. I can bear the thought of you, But not your body here. Lust beneath the linen, Guilt beneath the smile. I keep my hands where you can see And call that sacrifice. I could break. I could give. But I won't. I barely live. You reach for me, Then let your hand fall. You haven't asked For anything at all. No one's here to judge me. You don't think I'm unclean. I keep asking for forgiveness. You ask, “For what?” I can't explain. I'm the saint of nothing, Faithful to the ache. Begging for forgiveness For a move I never make. Lust beneath the linen, Guilt beneath the smile. If I let you stay and love me, What was all this hurting for? I know how to want you. I've done it for so long. If wanting turned to having, What would I become? So I don't. And I won't. Because wanting you Is all I own.
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