[Intro — spoken over a sad, detuned guitar] Yeah... Some people climb the corporate ladder. Some people find their calling. I found a half-eaten burrito in a parking lot. So, you know. We're all on our own journey. [Verse 1] I woke up at noon with a shirt on backwards, Three missed calls from my debt collectors. My last clean sock's got a hole in the toe, And my houseplants died six months ago. I got fired from a job that I never got, Lost a staring contest with a parking lot. Asked out a girl, she said, "Who are you?" I said, "Good question. I don't know me, too." [Pre-Chorus] Everybody's got a five-year plan, I'm eating cold beans from a rusty can. They say, "Get up! Go make your mark!" I made a weird noise and slept till dark. [Chorus — loud, shameless, shout-along] Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, Washing down my sorrows with the runoff rain! No job, no girl, no future to obtain, Just orange on my fingers and a head full of pain! Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, While the whole damn world is catching express trains! Everybody's winning, everybody's got a lane— I'm king of the gutter, baby, welcome to my reign! [Verse 2] My résumé's a work of fiction, My life's a cautionary contradiction. I tried self-help, but the book said "try," So I threw it out the window and slept till five. My buddy bought a house, my cousin had a kid, My ex got famous for a thing she did. I bought a scratch-off, thought I'd finally shine— Won a coupon for a product discontinued in '99. [Pre-Chorus] My therapist said I should value myself, But she left my appointment to go see someone else. I tried to meditate, I tried to be zen, Then I got outsmarted by a trash-can lid again. [Chorus — bigger guitars, gang vocals] Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, Washing down my sorrows with the runoff rain! No job, no girl, no future to obtain, Just orange on my fingers and a head full of pain! Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, While the whole damn world is catching express trains! Everybody's winning, everybody's got a lane— I'm king of the gutter, baby, welcome to my reign! [Bridge — drums drop out] You know what hurts the most? It's not that I'm a loser. It's that I'm not even interesting enough to be a cautionary tale. I'm the guy in the background of somebody else's embarrassing story. ...And they probably cut me from the final edit. [Instrumental Break — ugly guitar solo, drums stumble back in] [Sung, increasingly triumphant] BUT I'M STILL HERE! AND I'M STILL CHEWING! AND I GOT HALF A BAG LEFT! THAT'S CALLED IMPROVING! [Final Chorus — full band, gang vocals, maximum ridiculous conviction] Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, Dancing with the rats while I'm dodging the pain! No gold, no glory, no fortune, no fame— But I've got this orange dust, and I've mastered my shame! Eating Cheetos in the storm drain, Raise your greasy hands if you're equally insane! The world's a luxury cruise, I'm a shopping cart train— I'm king of the gutter, and I'll proudly reign! [Outro — music fades to one sad guitar] Yeah... Tomorrow I'm turning my life around. ...Anybody got a napkin?
