Banned from Shipwreck Island

[Intro] I came by sea, now I’m parked by the slides Longship on the trailer, got my axe outside Sun burnin’ hot, mead sweat in my beard Shipwreck Island? Thought the gods brought me here [Verse 1] I stomp through the gate in my wolfskin briefs Lifeguard look scared, little bastard turned weak He said, “Sir, no weapons,” I said, “This axe got class” It’s ceremonial steel, I ain’t split no ass Saw a lazy river, called it coward’s tide Tried to start a raid with some dads inside Blew my horn by the lockers, made a baby cry Then I cannonballed down like “VALHALLA, I FLY!!!” [Pre-Chorus] These soft little villagers don’t know the code They float on noodles, I conquer the road They stand in line for a kiddie raft ride I came for glory and a turkey leg side [Chorus] I got banned from Shipwreck Island For bringin’ Viking shit to a family environment I drank from the wave pool, screamed at the sky Tried to claim the gift shop in the old gods’ name Banned from Shipwreck Island Kicked out soaked, sunburned, and violent They said, “Never return” I said, “You fear my drip” Now I’m exiled in flip-flops like a conquered bitch [Verse 2] Went straight to the tube slide, called it serpent’s throat Got stuck halfway down ‘cause my chest too yoked Some teen said, “Nice helmet,” I said, “Respect your king” Then I took his beach chair like a rightful thing I ordered fried shrimp and demanded mead They gave me blue slush and a hot dog with cheese I said, “Where the wenches? Where the feast? Where the song?” They pointed at a DJ booth playin’ weak-ass songs So I climbed the stairs to the tallest drop Raised both fists high at the very top Yelled, “Witness me, peasants, the North still reigns!” Hit the splash so hard I displaced three lanes [Pre-Chorus] A child with a whistle said, “Mom, he’s weird” I said, “Boy, I’ve buried men with stronger beards” Then security came in a neon pack Like four shaved monks in a polo attack [Chorus] I got banned from Shipwreck Island For bringin’ Viking shit to a family environment I challenged the mascot to honorable combat He ran from the smoke when I tore off my hat Banned from Shipwreck Island Kicked out soaked, sunburned, and violent They said, “You cursed at a dolphin” I said, “He splashed me first” Now my day pass gone and my pride feels worse [Bridge] I did not know the dress code frowned on fur Did not know “no plunder” was a posted word Did not know the wave pool was not for war Did not know one cannot kick open the arcade door I only sought glory, sunscreen, and rest A salted pretzel and conquest at best But this weak little kingdom of slides and shade Could not handle a Norseman on vacation day [Breakdown] No axe No horn No war cry by the kiddie zone No shield No mead No takin’ six deck chairs I don’t own No raid No throne No standin’ on the snack bar yelling “BRING ME STONE!!!” Soft laws Weak land Got banished by a dude with a wristband [Final Chorus] I got banned from Shipwreck Island But I regret exactly none of my excitement I rode every slide like a storm-sent god A thunder-thighed menace in waterproof clogs Banned from Shipwreck Island Still smell like chlorine, rage, and triumph Tell your lifeguard chief And your manager too The North remembers, and I’m leavin’ one-star reviews [Outro] Next summer I return by dawn Fake mustache, new trunks, and vengeance on Shipwreck Island, hear this warning clear Your slides are safe only when I’m not here