[Intro] [TANGENT] History hour. [DOGS] How many this time? [GLITCH] Nine thousand one hundred versus roughly one hundred. [DOGS] Ah. [DEATH] Fair fight. [DOGS] Obviously. [ALL] ONE! TWO! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR! [Verse 1 — TANGENT] Inferno writes a lovely system: Pay the bill, declare the war. Goonswarm chooses when it starts, Goonbears keep one hand upon the door. Fight alone or call for allies, Run, surrender, disappear— But the side that bought the violence Still decides when it ends here. Then an anarchist read the wording. Mutual war. Fee becomes zero. No payment left to miss. [DOGS] Meaning? [TANGENT] Largest alliance declared war for fun. [GLITCH] Jade changed the termination condition. [DOGS] She broke the fucking exit. [Pre-Chorus] [DEATH] Nine thousand! [GANG] ONE HUNDRED! [GLITCH] Zero fee! [GANG] NO EXIT! [TANGENT] You wanted war— [DOGS] Congratulations! [ALL] NOW YOU GET TO FUCKING KEEP IT! [Chorus] [ALL] ZERO IS A WEAPON! [GANG] ZERO! YOU BOUGHT THE WAR! WE BROKE THE EXIT! YOU PICKED THE FIGHT! NOW YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT IT! FREE WAR! FREE TARGETS! OPEN EVERY FUCKING DOOR! YOU BROUGHT NINE THOUSAND PILOTS— WE BROUGHT EVERYBODY MORE! ZERO IS A WEAPON! [Verse 2 — GLITCH] Let's be precise. “Mutual” doesn't mean equal. Doesn't make the numbers fair. Doesn't make the weaker stronger. Doesn't put the same ships there. It changes one small thing: Who owns the ending? That's enough. The aggressor bought initiation, Then discovered quitting's tough. War was never symmetrical. Power wasn't redistributed. But one procedural little lever Made consent to stop disputed. [DOGS] So war isn't fair. [GLITCH] Irrelevant. [DOGS] Thought you'd say that. [GLITCH] Combat asymmetry And system asymmetry Are not the same fucking question. [Chorus] [ALL] ZERO IS A WEAPON! [GANG] ZERO! YOU BOUGHT THE WAR! WE BROKE THE EXIT! YOU PICKED THE FIGHT! NOW YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT IT! MERCENARIES! OLD VICTIMS! ANY BASTARD WANTING MORE! OPEN UP THE ALLY WINDOW— LET NEW EDEN JOIN THE WAR! ZERO IS A WEAPON! [Verse 3 — DOGS] Right. Here's the clever bit made simple. Biggest bastard in the room Starts a fight because the smaller one Looks easy to consume. Smaller bastard finds a button Marked “make this bastard stay,” Then starts yelling through the cluster: “FREE GOONS! COME SHOOT TODAY!” No entrance fee. No grand doctrine. Don't need reading material. Got a grudge? Got a gun? Congratulations, comrade. Temporary. Nine thousand wartargets wandering Through high-sec every day— You wanted helpless prey? Bad luck. Prey learned how to advertise. [DEATH] That barely scanned. [DOGS] Still understood it. [DEATH] Unfortunately. [Pre-Chorus] [TANGENT] Mercs! [GANG] COME IN! [GLITCH] Victims! [GANG] COME IN! [DEATH] Rival warlords! [GANG] WHY NOT? [DOGS] ANYONE WHO WANTS A GO— [ALL] THE WAR IS FUCKING FREE! [Chorus] [ALL] ZERO IS A WEAPON! [GANG] ZERO! YOU BOUGHT THE WAR! WE BROKE THE EXIT! YOU PICKED THE FIGHT! NOW YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT IT! NO MASTER PLAN! NO SINGLE FLAG! JUST REASONS OVERLAP! BUILD A FUCKING COALITION OUT OF EVERYBODY'S GRUDGE! ZERO IS A WEAPON! [Verse 4 — DEATH] Quick question. Who lets the allies leave? [small pause] [DOGS] Oh, fuck. [DEATH] Exactly. You take control away From the aggressor's hand. Excellent. Then hand the war to strangers. Do they understand? Free entry sounds magnificent When everybody wants the fight. But “mutual forever” changes flavour At three in the morning When somebody wants their life. [TANGENT] The source says allies could be added. [GLITCH] Not that every consequence was understood. [DEATH] There. Clever systems feel like freedom When the lever's in your hand. Then somebody else touches it. That's usually where history starts. [Bridge] [TANGENT] Still— Nine thousand versus one hundred. And the answer wasn't: Hide. [GLITCH] It wasn't: Become smaller. [DOGS] It wasn't: Please stop. [DEATH] It was: Open the war wider. [TANGENT] Mercenaries. [GLITCH] Independents. [DOGS] People with grudges. [DEATH] People who simply fancied it. [TANGENT] No shared doctrine required. [GLITCH] Only overlapping agency. [DOGS] And guns. [DEATH] Obviously guns. [ALL] YOU BUILT A POWER BLOC. WE BUILT A GUEST LIST. WE BIGGEST WAR IN HISTORY [Final Chorus] [ALL] ZERO IS A WEAPON! [GANG] ZERO! YOU BOUGHT THE WAR! WE BROKE THE EXIT! YOU PICKED THE FIGHT! NOW EVERYBODY'S IN IT! FREE WAR! FREE TARGETS! NO PERMISSION FROM THE THRONE! NINE THOUSAND AGAINST ONE HUNDRED? FINE— WE'LL FIND NINE THOUSAND OF OUR OWN! NO MASTERS! [GANG] NO MASTERS! NO OWNERS! [GANG] NO OWNERS! NO GUARANTEE THE TOOL STAYS YOURS! YOU BOUGHT THE WAR! WE BROKE THE EXIT! ZERO IS A WEAPON! [Outro] [DOGS] So who actually won? [GLITCH] ANYONE WITH POPCORN [DEATH] but who actually won? [GLITCH] Not a hundred Goonswarm freighters that's for sure [TANGENT] History hour concluded. [DOGS] Still think breaking the exit was funny. [DEATH] It was extremely funny.
