(Intro: Orchestral swell with a toy-piano tinkling) Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin! Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin! (Verse 1) You’ll never beat Chimkin, my favorite plasticized meet! Chimkin, you’re always so neat! Chimkin, you make my meal complete! Forget the feathers, forget the bone, It’s the sturdiest poultry that you’ve ever known! (Verse 2) Lab-grown in vats with a high-gloss sheen, The smoothest texture that you’ve ever seen! It’s twelve percent more edible than the brand next door, So grab a tub and come back for more! It’s bouncy, it’s shiny, it’s ethically gray, And the "best-by" date is a century away! (Chorus) Oh, Chimkin! (It’s better than real!) Chimkin! (The ultimate meal!) It’s shelf-stable, stable, for forty-some years, Wash it down with a soda and ignore all your fears! (Bridge - Spoken Announcer Voice) "Why settle for biology when you can have chemistry? Chimkin: Because nature is messy, but polymers are forever!" (Verse 3) It bounces on the floor but it melts in your mouth, The pride of the North and the joy of the South! No refrigeration? That’s no mistake! It’s the only dinner that won’t ever break! (Outro) Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin, Chimkin! It’s not meat... it’s MEET! The Official Disclaimer <Read in an extremely fast, low-pitched "legal" monotone while the upbeat music continues to play> Warning: Chimkin™ is legally classified as a "durable household good" and is not intended for long-term biological sustenance. Consumption may result in mild bioluminescence, a lingering taste of ozone, or the sudden, uncontrollable urge to salute the corporate logo. Chimkin brand plasticized meet contains zero percent actual poultry but may contain trace amounts of industrial lubricants, repurposed vinyl, and concentrated optimism. If your Chimkin tub begins to pulse, hum, or attempt to communicate in Morse code, please incinerate immediately in a lead-lined container. Not responsible for spontaneous dental crystallization or the development of a second "meet-processing" stomach. Chimkin: Taste the Future, if you're brave enough.
