[START IMMEDIATELY – FULL BAND – FAST] [Verse 1 – Female Folk Lead] Deep beneath the mountain where the dungeon torches burned, Every troll and goblin came, every monster had returned. The skeletons wore neckties, dragons polished every scale, And someone taught the ogres not to drink the wedding ale. The fighter wore his armor, the rogue had combed his hair, The cleric stood beside them with a deeply worried stare. Then down the aisle the Wizard came, magnificent in white— [Fighter – Spoken] “You know you’re marrying a Wraith, right?” [Wizard – Spoken] “Of course! What’s your point?” [Pre-Chorus – Female Folk Lead] Then spectral trumpets sounded, Every torchlight faded blue, The dungeon doors flew open— And the Wraith Bride floated through! [Chorus – Huge Tavern Choir] IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Raise your mugs on high! He’s marrying a Wraith tonight— Nobody knows quite why! IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Let the dungeon sing! The groom’s completely clueless— She’s daughter of the Lich King! [Verse 2 – Female Folk Lead – Full Speed] A hundred guinea pigs appeared In tiny robes of white, They formed a furry wedding choir Beneath the torchlight bright. [Guinea Pig Choir] “Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!” [Wizard – Spoken] “Beautiful.” [Rogue – Spoken] “They know one song.” [Wizard] “It’s a classic.” The party’s priest stepped forward, Raised his book and cleared his throat. [Priest – Spoken] “Dearly beloved, monsters, heroes, undead and miscellaneous…” “We are gathered here today—” [Wizard – Shouting] “I CAST—!” [Entire Dungeon] “DON’T!” [Wizard – Triumphant] “I CAST… I DOTH!” [Silence] [Priest] “That’s not a spell.” [Wizard] “Worked though.” [Wraith Bride – Ethereal Female] “I still want him.” [Priest] “Remarkably… so be it.” [Chorus – Huge Tavern Choir] IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Raise your mugs on high! He’s marrying a Wraith tonight— Nobody knows quite why! IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Let the dungeon sing! The groom just cast his wedding vows— In front of the Lich King! [Instrumental – Violin/Guitar Duel] [Violin launches frantic wedding melody] [Guitar answers with neoclassical shred] [Increasingly fast call-and-response] [Sweep arpeggios and harmonized runs] [Blazing synchronized unison finale] [FULL BAND RETURNS] [Verse 3 – Female Folk Lead] The vows were done, the banquet doors Were opened good and wide, A hundred hungry monsters charged The tables side by side. Golden dwarf quesadillas, Wizard pies piled ten feet tall, Cleric tacos, ranger rolls— [Monster – Spoken] “Who’s catering this hall?” [Dungeon Cook] “Don’t ask.” [Monster] “Fair enough.” The Goblin Bartender stood Behind an open bar, Pouring ale into the mugs Of creatures near and far. [Goblin Bartender – Shouting] “OPEN BAR DOES NOT MEAN DRINK THE BAR!” [Ogre – Mouth Full] “Too late.” [Goblin Bartender] “THAT WAS OAK!” The fighter found his broadsword Sticking from a casserole, The rogue discovered someone’s lance Inside a dinner roll. The cleric read the menu— [Cleric – Spoken] “What’s ‘Adventurer Surprise’?” [Dungeon Cook] “Don’t ask.” [Bridge – Building] The guinea pigs were singing! The drunken goblins danced! The skeletons were kissing! The minotaurs romanced! The dragon ate the centerpiece! The ogres ate the chairs! The Goblin Bartender screamed— “STOP DRINKING FROM THE STAIRS!” [Fighter – Spoken] “How do you drink from stairs?” [Wizard] “Very carefully.” [Final Chorus – Massive Tavern Choir] IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Raise your mugs again! A Wizard wed a Wraith tonight Surrounded by his friends! IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Let every dungeon ring! Long live the happy couple— And please don’t anger the Lich King! IT’S THE WIZARD’S WEDDING! Let fiddle, steel and ale Carry through the dungeon halls This deeply stupid tale! [Music Drops – Spoken] [Priest] “You may now kiss the bride.” [Wizard – Nervous] “She’s… incorporeal.” [Wraith Bride] “I know.” [Magical Whoosh] [Wizard – Distant] “OH!” [Fighter] “Where’d he go?” [Wraith Bride – Cheerfully] “Honeymoon.” [Guinea Pig Choir] “SQUEAK!” [FINAL BAND HIT]
