[SCENE: PRP Laser Room] [Consultant – mature male, brisk, dry] We've got a localised proliferation, Microaneurysm swelling, An exudate explosion That the capillaries are telling! Grip the handles tightly, Take a breath and lock your jaw, We're going to stop the bleeding With the fastest gun you ever saw! [Patient – younger male, anxious] Fastest gun? Nobody mentioned guns! [Nurse – warm female] He means the laser. Trust me... That's always how he starts. [Consultant] Gel-filled contact lens... Right upon your eye. You cannot blink. You cannot wink. Now kindly look up high. Pivot right... Pivot left... Find the target... Hold it clear... [Company] LOOK AT HIS EAR! [Consultant] My ear. [Company] His ear! [Consultant] Exactly. [Music accelerates] [Consultant] Macula's stable! Periphery's leaking! Tiny little vessels Need a little speaking-to! [Machine] Zap! Zap! Zap! [Patient] I'm seeing purple! Green! Orange! Blue! There's two consultants... No... Three! [Nurse] Excellent. You're still counting. [Consultant] Hold perfectly still! [Patient] I'm trying! [Consultant] Don't move. [Patient] I'm trying! [Consultant] Keep your other eye open. [Patient] I've only got two! [Company] Look at my ear! Look at my ear! Eight hundred little burns And the picture becomes clear! Keep the other eye open! Don't you dare look away! Just another Tuesday In the NHS today! [Instrumental – laser rhythm] [Consultant] Micro-haemorrhage... Inferotemporal... Excellent uptake... Continue... [Patient] You make it sound Like ordering coffee! [Nurse] He's actually being encouraging. [Consultant] I am. [Patient] Really? [Consultant] No. [Audience laugh] [Music builds again] [Consultant] Just another cluster... Tiny little flash... Just another vessel... Just another splash... [Machine] Zap! Zap! Zap! [Patient] How many now? [Consultant] Only... Two hundred more. [Patient] TWO HUNDRED? [Company] Two hundred! Two hundred! Two hundred! [Nurse] Nobody ever likes That bit. [Final Company] Look at my ear! Look at my ear! Saving little patches Of another precious year! One more flash! One more light! Everything will be alright! Look at my ear! Look at my ear! We'll all laugh about this This time next year! [Music slows] [Patient] ... Can I blink now? [Consultant] Yes. [Patient] Thank goodness. [Nurse] Well done. [Consultant] Next patient! [Blackout]
