[Intro] [Panic-stricken monologue, loud frantic breathing, sound of keys rattling and boxes crashing] [Fast, energetic jangly guitar strumming enters with a bouncy, thumpy bass beat] (Okay, okay, deep breath, just think!) (That super secret relic of America...) (The one from the vault under Mt. Rushmore...) (I brought it home... and I CANNOT FIND IT!) (Is it behind the lawnmower?! Under the Christmas tree?!) (WHERE MIGHT IT BE?!) [Verse 1] I found the Golden Eagle of the Founding Fathers' lore! The sovereign artifact that opens power’s secret door! The President said, "Keep it safe, don't let it out of sight!" So I packed it in a Tupperware and drove home in the night! I meant to put it in a safe, or maybe in a drawer, But I had to carry groceries in through the kitchen door! Now three whole days have passed away, the government is calling, And I am in a full-blown panic, sweat and teardrops falling! [Pre-Chorus] [Music picks up tempo, drums driving hard, vocals spiraling out of control] Did I stack it with the paint cans?! Did I toss it in the bin?! Did I shove it past the insulation where the rafters spin?! It’s either down below the floor, or up above the ceiling! And I am having a total mental breakdown, what a feeling! [Chorus] [Explosive gang vocals, frantic synth lines, high energy rock] WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! The secret relic of the land of liberty! Is it down in the GARAGE, covered up in grease?! Or up in the ATTIC, where the spiders never cease?! IS IT IN THE GARAGE?! (No, that's a box of screws!) OR IS IT IN THE ATTIC?! (Oh man, I'm gonna lose!) Where Might It Be?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! [Verse 2] [Bass-heavy groove, frantic acoustic rhythm, quirky sound effects] I’m digging through the GARAGE now, tripping on a rake! [Loud bang, clatter of tools] OW! My knee! My shin! For freedom's sake! I see a rusty toolbox, a bag of quick-set lime, A half-eaten bag of chips from nineteen-ninety-nine! A treadmill used as a coat rack, four mismatched winter tires, An old tube television wrapped in tangled extension wires! A taxidermy squirrel wearing a tiny cowboy hat— Wait, is that the relic?! NO! That’s just a frozen bat! [Pre-Chorus] [Synth arpeggio intensifies, vocals getting higher and more hysterical] It’s not behind the weedwhacker! It’s not behind the oil! My stomach’s turning upside down, my blood is starting to boil! Up the rickety wooden ladder! To the ceiling I must climb! If the FBI gets here first, I'm doing twenty years of time! [Chorus] WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! The secret relic of the land of liberty! Is it down in the GARAGE, covered up in grease?! Or up in the ATTIC, where the spiders never cease?! IS IT IN THE GARAGE?! (Just old holiday lights!) OR IS IT IN THE ATTIC?! (I’m dying of dust and frights!) Where Might It Be?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! [Bridge] [Tempo slows down dramatically to a creepy, dusty attic creep-waltz] [Spooky Casio synth, creaking floorboard sounds] Welcome to the ATTIC... where the fiberglass breathes... Underneath a blanket made of yellowed autumn leaves... There’s a high school yearbook from eighty-three, A broken rocking horse staring back at me... [Vocals whispering hysterically] Is it in the trunk of Grandma’s lace? Is it right behind this creepy porcelain face? I push aside a box marked "MISCELLANEOUS JUNK"— [Sudden loud thud, tempo instantly explodes back into full rock overdrive] NOPE! Just a ancient, dusty, smelly dead skunk! [Guitar Solo] [Wild, unhinged, frantic fuzzy guitar solo mimicking someone tearing through cardboard boxes and tossing junk around] [Verse 3] [Fast, chaotic, shouting rhythm] I’m running down the attic stairs! I’m slipping on the rug! I’m screaming at the ceiling fan! I’m hugging the dog’s mug! The White House is on Line 1! The CIA on Line 2! They want to know if America’s destiny is still true! And I’m holding a box of moldy VHS tapes! Looking at a container full of artificial grapes! [Chorus] WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! The secret relic of the land of liberty! Is it down in the GARAGE, covered up in grease?! Or up in the ATTIC, where the spiders never cease?! IS IT IN THE GARAGE?! OR IS IT IN THE ATTIC?! Where Might It Be?! OH, WHERE MIGHT IT BE?! [Outro] [Music hits maximum frantic speed, crashing cymbals, chaos] Wait... hold on... what’s this box on the kitchen stand? Labelled "SUPER SECRET RELIC OF THE AMERICAN LAND"... I... I used it as a doorstop... right next to the fridge... It wasn't in the garage... or the attic a smidge... [Music abruptly stops, total silence except for a quiet microwave beep] ...Heh. Found it. [Single sharp drum hit]
