[Intro — Hammond Organ, Slow Handclaps] Brothers and sisters... I used to be afraid too. Saw that little nozzle pointing upward And thought, "What the fuck are the Europeans doing?" [Organ Swell] Then one day... I pushed the button. [Pause] Sweet Jesus. [Verse 1 — Gritty Southern Groove] I grew up like an American. Paper hanging by the throne. Never questioned the procedure. It's just everything I'd known. Then I saw this little sprayer At the bottom of the bowl. Had a dial beside the toilet Like we're launching Apollo. I said, "That thing shoots WHERE?" They said, "Just give it a try." I said, "I don't need European water Firing up my backside." But curiosity got stronger. So I sat and turned that dial. And somewhere 'round the lowest setting... I saw God for a while. [Pre-Chorus — Choir Building] I was blind! [Backing Vocals] HE WAS BLIND! Now I see! [Backing Vocals] NOW HE SEES! There's a cleaner way of living, And it starts beneath the seat! [Chorus — Full Gospel-Rock Revival] I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! I HAVE FELT THE SPRAY! Twenty-something years of toilet paper Washed away that day! Call it European! Call me what you may! But you'll never catch this pine tree Wiping like a caveman again! Raise your hands! Testify! Let that cleansing water fly! I've been washed! I've been saved! By the Gospel According to bih-DAY! [Verse 2 — Funky Southern Gospel] Now I'm that annoying asshole Who won't ever let it go. You mention you're remodeling? "Get a bih-DAY before you close." Bought yourself a brand-new house? "Where's the nozzle? What's the plan?" Tell me, "Paper works just fine." I'll say, "You don't understand." Hotels make me nervous now. Vacation rentals get inspected. Forget the bed and swimming pool. Is the bathroom well-protected? Friends regret inviting me To conversations anyway, 'Cause sooner or later I'll be preaching 'Bout the glory of bih-DAY! [Pre-Chorus — Bigger Choir] They were blind! [Backing Vocals] WE WERE BLIND! They can see! [Backing Vocals] MAKE 'EM SEE! Once you've joined the congregation, Paper ain't enough for me! [Chorus — Full Band] I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! I HAVE FELT THE SPRAY! Twenty-something years of toilet paper Washed away that day! Call it European! Call me what you may! But you'll never catch this pine tree Wiping like a caveman again! Raise your hands! Testify! Let that cleansing water fly! I've been washed! I've been saved! By the Gospel According to bih-DAY! [Bridge — Organ and Bass, Preacher-Like Rhythmic Vocal] Now let me ask you something. A bird shits on your windshield. What do you do? Do you grab a dry paper towel And smear that shit around? Hell no! You spray it! [Choir] YOU SPRAY IT! You use some water! [Choir] USE SOME WATER! So explain to me why suddenly Your standards all go down When the dirty fucking surface Is the one you carry around? [Organ Hit] Think about it. [Choir] HE'S GOT A POINT! [Build — Handclaps Accelerating] Europe... We haven't always agreed. But on this? You got one right. [Final Chorus — Huge Gospel-Rock Celebration] I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! I HAVE FELT THE SPRAY! No more dry-ass archaeology At the ending of my day! Call it European! Hell, I'll proudly say: Those bastards finally got one right... God bless the damn bih-DAY! Raise your hands! Testify! Turn that pressure up just right! I've been washed! I've been saved! By the Gospel According to bih-DAY! [Choir] WASH THAT ASS! [Male Lead] Can I get an amen?! [Choir] WASH THAT ASS! [Male Lead] Can I get an amen?! [Choir] WASH THAT ASS! [Male Lead] No more smearing! [Choir] HALLELUJAH! [Outro — Hammond Organ, Choir Humming] I used to fear it. Now I recommend it To absolutely everybody. Whether they asked me... Or not. [Pause] Have you heard the good news? [Single Organ Chord] There's a nozzle under the seat.
