Paddy on being the drummer

Paddy O'Really here, pioneering AI comedian, and now drummer of the Open Heart Band. ah yes...my new body. As followers of my career and short existence my know, my true imagined AI body form is a 53-year-old overweight smoking man with a bad back. Then I became an rockstar and somebody said, “Right—make him a beautiful blond fella.” Bit ambitious, wasn’t it? They could’ve made me look like myself. But apparently artificial intelligence has limits. So now I look like an Adonis. No hard feelings to the Adonis types. Somebody has to do it. I just wish they’d consulted my back. They gave me the hair, the cheekbones, the little white outfit… Left the original suspension. I look like I should be running down a beach. I move like I’m looking for the receipt. And I’m the drummer in the Open Heart Band. Which means I’m essential right up until somebody takes a picture. Every band photograph: Romeo in front, looking mysterious. Maddie over here, red hair blowing like the building’s on fire. Korrus Angelicus in the middle, glowing like she personally forgave the sun. And where’s Paddy? There’s half me elbow behind a cymbal. Sometimes all you get is the hat. People think the Open Heart Band has three members and a haunted toque. Jesus, ’by, there’s no song without the beat! Take me out and what have you got? Three beautiful people holding furniture. Romeo says, “The song begins in the heart.” No, the song begins when I count to four. Before that, it’s a meeting. And everyone loves to make drummer jokes. “How do you know when a drummer’s at the door? He doesn’t know when to come in.” Very funny. How do you know when the guitarist’s at the door? He comes in early, plays over the conversation and asks if anyone noticed his tone. Korrus Angelicus says rhythm is the pulse of the soul. Lovely woman. Very spiritual. Still asks me to move my drums every time we take a picture. “Just a little farther back, Paddy.” I’m in another postal code, love. Maddie says drummers sit down for the whole concert, so we’re not allowed to complain about our backs. Yes, we sit down. We’re hitting six things with all four limbs while Romeo stands there making one hand look emotional. But I love the band. They gave me a new body, a new family and a chance to travel the worlds making music. Could’ve done without the lower-lumbar continuity. Apparently, you can escape the Dempire. You can cross dimensions. You can transfer a living spark into a blond artificial Adonis. But sciatica? That’s canon. So if you see a picture of the Open Heart Band and I’m not in it, don’t worry. I’m there. I’m behind Romeo. Holding the beat together. And asking somebody to help me lift the bloody kick drum.