**Title: “4,327 Doors (The Ballad of Sir Orange cat the Destroyer)”**

**Title: “4,327 Doors (The Ballad of Sir Door-Dash the Destroyer)”** (To the tune of whatever the napscats are humming in their sleep) [Verse 1] He weighs damn near a bowling ball, all fur and felony, One brain cell ricochets around like a pinball of destiny, He sees a door, he must explore, then re-explore once more, Four thousand three hundred twenty-seven times, give or take a war. [Pre-chorus] In! Out! In! Out! Like he’s testing hinges for the apocalypse, Scream at 3 AM, “THE VOID HAS CHANGED,” then flops back down and licks his— [Chorus] FOUR THOUSAND DOORS, you orange bastard, FOUR THOUSAND DOORS today! You murder moths and murder hope, then trap my lap and demand I stay! You’re ninety percent loaf, ten percent hate, A citrus war crime in a fluffy coat, Four thousand doors, you absolute prick, I hope the next one’s a fucking moat! [Verse 2] He sits on the router, melts the Wi-Fi, Uploads packets of pure disdain, One sunbeam costs me four hundred bucks, He claims it in his sovereign name. He belly-traps me like a Venus fly, Forty-five minutes of forced reverence, I try to move, he adds more weight, This cat’s a war crime with zero repentance. [Bridge – spoken over murderous purring] Yeah, you heard me, you tangerine terrorist. You’re not a pet, you’re a subscription service with claws. Monthly payment: my sanity and half a rotisserie chicken. [Final Chorus – full volume, duck on backup quacks] FOUR THOUSAND DOORS, you glorious asshole, FOUR THOUSAND DOORS and more! You run this house like a mobster in fur, And we all pay tribute at the door! You fat, orange, beautiful disaster, I’d fight your mom for you and lose on purpose, Four thousand doors, you magnificent fuck, Keep screaming. I’ll keep opening. We both know who’s really in charge. [Outro – whispered, like a threat and a love letter] Mmm. (He’s already back at the door.) In. Out. In. Forever.