Rubio Runs the World (and My Garbage Pickup Too)

In the spring of 2025, Americans watched Marco Rubio ascend to an unprecedented concentration of power: Secretary of State, acting USAID administrator, acting National Archivist, interim National Security Adviser, and beyond. As titles stacked up, what began as political intrigue spiraled into absurdity, a single figure holding more reins of government than anyone since Henry Kissinger, and surpassing even him. This song captures the satirical anxiety of citizens watching the slow-motion comedy (and tragedy) of a democracy increasingly centered on one man, as every new job he claims triggers the same collective response: “Why the fuck is he in charge of that? Oh god, it gets worse!” ★★★ Son of Cuban immigrants, Made the American climb, But now he’s stacked so many titles, We’re all runnin’ out of time! He was just a senator, Then he tried for the White House, Now he’s Secretary of State, With a national security sidehouse! Archivist and aid chief, Bureaucracy’s new king, Oh, did you hear? Now he runs the damn Space Wing! Oh god, it gets worse! He’s piloting drones! Oh god, it gets worse! He’s sanctioning my phone! Marco Rubio, master of the DMV! Marco Rubio, setting all the cable fees! Marco Rubio, chairman of my HOA! Somebody stop him Before he runs the FDA! Now he’s Homeland Security, He’s the Federal Reserve, Chairing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, With a five-star general’s nerve! He rewrites the Constitution, With a glass of Holy Wine, Francis is dead, and before the body’s cold, Rubio’s got the papal hat, Blessing your household! Oh god, it gets worse! He’s running the Supreme Court! Oh god, it gets worse! He’s king of every port! Marco Rubio, master of the DMV! Marco Rubio, setting all the cable fees! Marco Rubio, chairman of my HOA! Somebody stop him Before he runs the FDA! He’s chief of the Treasury, Head of the FBI, Runs the Weather Service, Controls the damn sky! He’s running the Pentagon, Commander of the fleet, He’s head of NASA’s Mars base, He’s got every damn seat! Why the fuck is he in charge of that?! Oh god, it gets worse! Why the fuck is he in charge of that?! Oh god, it gets worse! Marco Rubio, master of the DMV! Marco Rubio, setting all the cable fees! Marco Rubio, chairman of my HOA! Somebody stop him Before he runs the FDA!