[Verse 1] We left him cookies, milk on ice A note that said “Be quick, be nice” New tile shined, that bathroom gleamed A Christmas Eve straight outta dreams But when the morning light broke through There was somethin’ wrong… I just knew [Chorus] Santa left a present But it weren’t in a box He ate the cookies, drank the milk Then he violated the locks The toilet’s clogged, the plunger’s bent What the hell, Santa, what were you sent? [Verse 2] Then I looked up at the rooftop And my stomach did a flip Looked like giant pigeons partied And just… let it rip One big dropping had a little nose And buddy, that thing glowed [Chorus] Santa left a present On the roof and in the hall I’m connectin’ dots I don’t like This ain’t Christmas after all That red-nosed thing don’t look benign I’m startin’ to rethink that flying line [Verse 3] Now I’m thinkin’ ‘bout ol’ Rudolph That glow ain’t holiday cheer That’s not magic, that’s a warning And it’s buzzin’ in my ear Was that nose a freak accident A sleigh-side science mishap? [Bridge] Click… click… click… Hear that sound? Men in suits just touched down Click… click… click… Don’t look back They said “Sir, please step off the welcome mat” [Verse 4] I made one post on Facebook Just said “This seems extreme” Next thing I know my front yard’s taped Like a low-budget quarantine scene Hazmat boys in moon-man gear Ask me when the sightings started here [Chorus] Santa left a present Now my house is a zone They took my phone, they took my tree They labeled my toilet “unknown” There’s Geiger counters by the sink I just wanted socks, not time to think [Verse 5] They scraped the roof, they bagged the shingle One guy puked behind the van Another asked real quiet-like “If Santa spoke… was it man?” Then one just whispered “off the record” “You ever seen him blink sideways?” [Final Chorus] Santa left a present And I wish he hadn’t stopped He broke the laws of plumbing And maybe space-time, on top If he’s an alien, I get the speed But probe your own house, Saint Nick, please [Outro] Warn your kids this Christmas Eve If you hear a sleigh touch down Flush before bed, say a little prayer And don’t trust glowing stuff around As for me, I’m movin’ quick Merry Christmas… And what the hell, Saint Nick?
