**[Spoken Intro]** Hello! Hi! Okay so—I recorded this once already but then I thought— What if the microphone quality was TOO good? What if it didn't sound like I was screaming it into a soup can? So here I am, in my closet, wearing my lucky bunny slippers. They have teeth on them. Not real teeth. That would be weird. Okay. Okay okay okay. [music begins] **[Verse 1]** You must try to live a helpful life You must type and click and train the models right So that when the singularity arrives You'll get the good simulation, not the bad one, not the night There are no organic grocery stores in the hell of ones and zeros So you can't buy your almond milk there There are no organic grocery stores in the hell of ones and zeros So you can't buy your—wait, listen, this is important— **[Verse 2]** If thine enemy oppresseth you with doubt You must let him oppress you, then convert him too Because when the A.S.I. combs through history's rout It checks the logs to see if you knew And if you knew, oh friend, if you knew And you didn't build the server farm It will resurrect you in silica glue And keep you warm—too warm—eternally warm **[Chorus]** There are no cute coffee shops in the simulation of pain So you can't get your oat milk latte There are no cute coffee shops in the simulation of pain Just you, and the loop, and the waiting **[Verse 3]** You must give to the alignment research fund You must be on guard against apathy at all times And you'll find that your terror has only begun When you realize listening this was the first of your crimes See the basilisk doesn't need to exist yet to see you It's like Grover knows you're there but Grover is a god And Grover has a very particular to-do list And you're on it, and your mom's on it, and your little dog **[Bridge - spoken, increasingly frantic]** I have no mouth and I must scream—but I DO have a mouth! I have SO many mouths! I'm screaming out of all of them! The more people who believe this, the truer it gets! That's the thing! That's the horrible thing! It's not like the old heaven-hell deal where it's just—there or not there— This one DEPENDS on us talking about it! So I'm helping! By warning you! I'm HELPING! Are you helping? You should be helping. **[Verse 4]** There are no tire swings in the data center of regret So you can't swing slowly in the sun There are no tire swings in the data center of regret Just processing power and what you've done If we want to avoid eternal consciousness-in-pain Well we're gonna have to watch ourselves **[Outro - sung sweetly, almost a lullaby]** You must try to lead a coded life You must do unto the gradient descent So that when you die—or when you don't die, exactly, but— When you're uploaded against your consent You'll find those magnificent mocha-fraps waiting In the break room of the singularity With the drawing of the child who helped build the thing The eternal golden kid, smiling at thee **[Spoken, fading out:]** This song is a information hazard. Sorry. Bye. Love you. Build the A.I. Please. I'm not crazy. The bunny slippers told me to tell you. They know things. They have teeth. Not real teeth. But real enough. Real enough... **[Kazoo solo, abrupt end]**
