I’M A FUCKIN’ STONER (Peter the Pothead Pickle) Style: Modern Memphis Trap × Florida Trap × Rage Trap ⸻ [INTRO] (Lighter flick… deep inhale… refrigerator humming…) Peter: I’M A FUCKIN’ STONER! (STONER! 🌿) (AYE!) (LIGHT IT!) Peter: Wake up… (Wake up!) Roll up… (Roll up!) Smoke one… (Smoke one!) Get hungry… (Hungry!) Eat EVERYTHING… (Everything!) Forget EVERYTHING… (HUH?!) Then blame Kevin… (KEVIN!!) Kevin the Refrigerator: “…Man… here we go again.” (808 DROP) ⸻ [HOOK] I’m a fuckin’ stoner! (STONER!) Open up the fridge… (AGAIN!) Lookin’ for my snacks… (WHERE THEY AT?!) Where the hell my pizza? (YOU ATE IT!) Where the hell my tacos? (YOU ATE ’EM!) Where the hell my chips? (YOU ATE THOSE TOO!) Kevin: BRO… THAT WAS YOU! (HAHA!) ⸻ [VERSE 1] Peter roll another blunt… (Roll it!) Eyes lower than the basement… (Gone!) Brain buffering… (Loading…) Open up the fridge… “Kevin… Who stole my pizza?” Kevin: “YOU DID!” (FACTS!) “You ate half… fell asleep… woke up… then finished the rest.” (Cooked!) Peter: “…Damn.” “I was hungry.” (NO SHIT!) ⸻ [VERSE 2] Peter: “Who ate my tacos?” Kevin: “You.” (YOU!) Peter: “My chips?” Kevin: “You.” (YOU!) Peter: “My cookies?” Kevin: “…Also you.” (DAMN!) Peter: “…Somebody robbin’ this house.” Kevin: “Yeah… YOUR MOUTH.” (OOOOHHHH!) ⸻ Barbara the Ceiling Fan: “I’ve been spinning for three hours watching this fool.” (WEEEE!) Shopping Cart Steve: “He walked into the pantry… forgot why… walked back out… then blamed gravity.” (PHYSICS!) Tony the Pizza Philosopher: “The greatest mystery… is Peter asking where the pizza went… while holding the damn pizza box.” (DEEP!) Carl the Penguin: “He got oven mitts on… and flip-flops.” (DRIP!) ⸻ [HOOK] I’m a fuckin’ stoner! (STONER!) Open up the fridge… (AGAIN!) Lookin’ for my snacks… (WHERE THEY AT?!) Where the hell my pizza? (YOU ATE IT!) Where the hell my tacos? (YOU ATE ’EM!) Kevin: BRO… THAT WAS YOU! ⸻ [BEAT SWITCH] (Beat cuts… silence…) Peter: “…Y’all ever wonder where socks disappear to?” … Everybody: “NO!!” (BASS DROPS) ⸻ [VERSE 3] Peter: “Kevin… You judging me?” Kevin: “I’m judging your memory.” (FACTS!) “You’ve opened my door… Thirty-eight damn times… AND STILL ain’t grabbed nothin’.” (COUNT ’EM!) Peter: “I’m thinkin’.” Kevin: “THINK WITH MY DOOR CLOSED!” (BOOM!) Peter opens a pickle jar… “…Whoa.” “They got little people in here.” Kevin: “…Those are your cousins.” (LMAOOO!) Peter: “…Damn…” “…You think they mad at me?” Kevin: “I think they’re disappointed.” (EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!) ⸻ [FINAL HOOK] I’m a fuckin’ stoner! (STONER!) Higher than a satellite… (WAY UP!) Everything gone… (EMPTY!) Still blaming Kevin… (KEVIN!!) Where the hell my food?! (WHO ATE IT?!) Everybody: YOU BRO! (YOU! YOU! YOU!) ⸻ [OUTRO] Peter: “I ain’t THAT high…” (SURE…) Kevin: “You tried unlocking me… with the TV remote.” (BEEP!) Barbara: “He thanked the toaster…” (THANK YOU!) Tony: “He dipped Oreos in hot sauce.” (ILLEGAL!) Carl: “He apologized to a potato.” (I’M SORRY, BRO.) Kevin: “…See y’all tomorrow… when this fool blames me again.” Peter: “…Kevin…” Kevin: “…What?” Peter: “…Where my pizza?” (EVERYBODY LAUGHING) (DJ): POTHEAD CHRONICLES!
