Everyone’s Picking on Me

[FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] It’s so much easier, trust me, To put the mic on first, you see! Then slip the costume over top, Instead of doing up, then stop, Undo it all and start again— It’s chaos, Karen, pure insane! They say “get your mics on early, We’ll test them quick”—yeah, right, surely! I’ve been down there three times today, And what do they say? “Not ready, okay!” No batteries yet—come on, come on! How hard is it to switch them on?! [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Maybe— [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] Ap bap bap bap! That’s rhetorical Your comment, babe, historical! [MALE VOCALIST - ROY] Ah, Suzy, there you are! A note for you, Try not to rush the lines you do. And when you say, “You musn’t go getting into trouble,” Give it more weight, make the meaning double! Oh, and lose the hand when Banjo leaves, It’s… let’s just say, “suggestive,” please. [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] [ANGRY] Right, right, okay then. [MALE VOCALIST - ROY] Thanks! Oh, Steve? [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Yes? [MALE VOCALIST - ROY] Good job. Keep it up. [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Thanks! [pause] [MALE VOCALIST - ROY] Ah, Heather, wonderful job—keep it up! [FEMALE VOCALIST - HEATHER] Thanks! FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] [MOCKERY] “Wonderful job, Heather, keep it up!” Pffffft. [FEMALE VOCALIST - KAREN] Oh, Suzy, when you sing “meeeeeee,” Hold that high G for two more beats! And when you sing in chorus lines, Please stop holding notes past the times— It’s just your voice left ringing through! [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] [ANGRY] Okay okay okay thank you! [FEMALE VOCALIST - KAREN] Oh, Steve! That love song—brilliant stuff! And Lauren—such chemistry, I can’t get enough! [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Thanks! [FEMALE VOCALIST - KAREN] And Heather, great job in your duet too, Helping Scooter remember what to do! [FEMALE VOCALIST - HEATHER] Thank you! [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] [SCREAM] Aaaaaghhhhhh!!! [MALE VOCALIST - MAX] [FLAMBOYANT AND GAY] Suzy, darling, your shoes—no, no, no! Your shoes matter! They steal the show! Those ragged things? Please, honey, why? Your feet must dazzle, leap, and fly! And that lift, dear—jump higher, okay? Sell the number, give it sway! [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] Why is everyone picking on me?! [MALE VOCALIST - MAX] Umm… talk later! Good luck, sweetie! [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] They’re not picking on you, they just care, They wanna see your best out there. [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] Oh, so you don’t get “notes to improve”? [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Well… maybe they just think I— [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] What was that? [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Oh, nothing, nothing, I— [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] If you’ve got something to say, then say it! [FEMALE VOCALIST - HEATHER] I’m just gonna— [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] Stay! [FEMALE VOCALIST - HEATHER] Okay… [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] So what were you gonna say? Go on, out with it! [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE]] I didn’t wanna ask, but why do you have to be such a… such a— [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] Such a what?! A dog?! [MALE VOCALIST - STEVE] Such a… DIVA! [Big dramatic chord] [FEMALE VOCALIST - SUZY] [SCREAM] AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!