Pretty Bad - Explicit

⚠️This is a pretty raw reflection of my childhood. Some heavy and potentially triggering themes. Sometimes I gotta let the pain bleed so the wounds can heal. This is to all of us who had broken childhoods but have worked to move past the pain and live a life we feel proud of. My inner child is wounded - but I'm healing 🌑🖤✌🏻 Yeah Space Ghost Bones Get ready… This is gonna be a tough one Not a lot of words in my head right now I guess But I confess Sometimes when I just let go The words start to flow And I'm not gonna lie I'm kinda holding onto hope That some of the words I wrote Might reach you Shit I guess I'm writing to you now huh It's just like that sometimes I guess And I confess I've been thinking a lot about That one dress you wore so often It was like a totem to you I'm really struggling to write It's almost like a fight inside How sometimes words just fall out right Like it's just time for them to find the light Like they always belonged together I just needed to quiet my mind But other times It's like Nothin's right Nothin rhymes My head is full of lines That I just can't get tight enough Or right enough And I guess I'm wondering What the fuck No seriously Mom What the fuck I loved you but What did I do so young To make you withhold your love You used to look at me like No wait that's right You never looked at me right Told me shut up go away just fucking act right But what even was that Mom Didn't you know you were my God I remember sobbing crying holding a pillow tight Wailing in the night screaming Nobody loves me You know like a typical child A typical kid who just wants to know her mother loves her But I really didn't know You never came to save me From the sadness inside myself You were gone all the time always in a fight Always leaving me behind with people I didn't even know Whoa You know Sometimes I say things now Out loud And the people around just look at me like Like they didn't hear me right Like they heard me But maybe I might break down right here Lay my pain out right here But I was really just tellin' them about that year When I was nine And we lived in a shack Well it wasn't quite that A house in the past dilapidated Insulation falling out the walls While we carried buckets down the hall In the dark To flush the toilet Or to heat up on the wood stove for a bath But only if you were fast enough for the heat to last And only if I chopped enough wood the night passed For the fire to last While you talked to the rats And us kids sat and laughed And we always acted like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom it was pretty bad Sometimes I think about that time when I was eight And you wanted me to go back and change And I refused And you said you were gonna beat my ass And I felt very strongly so I talked back And you showed me real fast You were up in a flash Door slammed Pushed back How did I get on the bed Your whole body weight on top of me Fists in my face You'd never hit me like that But I guess there's a time and a place You beat me black and blue And it only stopped because your Rottweiler stopped you And you told me that Told me you didn't know what you would've done So I better just sit down And shut the fuck up And did I understand why I was bad That I just made you so mad And you let me go to school like that But I didn't say shit Because you were right I had been bad I was bad And I really believed that I always seemed to make you mad And I really thought That must be why you didn't love me And we always acted like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom it was pretty bad I've still got your home videos But they make me sad I'm in front of the camera like Erica move back I can't see your sister stop acting like that Like Shut up Go away Stop being such a brat Keep on keep on Don't make me get your dad And that fucker—Chuck What a joke of a stepdad So cool to watch him ball his fist And aim it at your face So great to watch him push you into that mirror And have it shatter in your face So grand to hear him yell And to cower in place And speaking of cower I still remember that night you got in a fight And we hid in the woods Where the trees were dense And when we ran We ran face first into that fence And we fell down and laughed Like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom it was pretty bad I spent my whole childhood Not knowing where you went Not knowing if you'd be back Or if I should get used to Uncle Clint Or Aunt Barb Or Aunt Dottie Or whatever that old guy's name was You know Aunt Ree's Sugar Daddy I still remember when I was ten We were at the hotel And hell I don't know where you were But Sissy was there And she left me and Fe In the pool by ourselves And I felt really uncomfortable So I convinced her to come back to the room But up the stairs The police were there And thank God Aunt Ree just happened to be next door Because they were in our room Searching the walls and the floor And I'm pretty sure Sissy abandoned us there But they found her anyway She still went to prison And anyway—this isn't about that It's about being put in the car With Sugar Daddy And that's where I learned To ride with one hand on the door The other on the belt In case I felt I might need to roll out And well I guess I just figured out Where the hell this anxiety came from And we always acted like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom it was pretty bad You see Mom That was pretty fucked up When I was eleven That time I stayed the night With What's-His-Face and that other guy And we camped out And they put me in the middle And put their hands on me And I remember running inside crying And being told I better not be fucking lying And why the fuck would I lie about that How fucking unfair All I knew was I was scared And my aunt took me home And you didn't seem to care So I hid under my bed And withdrew to my head And never came out And I never came out And I never came out And I'm pretty sure All that fucked up stuff Fucked me up Got me stuck Pretty sure I'm still a child inside And our relationship healed And then you died And I guess I'm still stuck As a child inside Still hiding in my head Still sad for a childhood I never got to have And we always acted Like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom It was pretty bad And we always acted Like it wasn't that bad But I guess looking back It was pretty bad Yeah Mom It was pretty bad Yeah Mom It was pretty bad