U.S.S. NSFW HEDONIST - FINAL

[ALL BRACKETED TEXT IS NON-VOCAL] [NO IMPROVISATION] [A SPOKEN DIALOGUE BETWEEN C A P T A I N J A M E S T K I R K AND M R S P O C K] [K I R K: warm, theatrical, confident] [S P O C K: dry, literal, oblivious] [THEY SPEAK. THEY NEVER SING.] [Intro — 0:00-0:25] [low string note, soprano above it leaping up a sixth] [The Thanks — 0:25-0:55] [audience ambience, a distant cough] [K I R K SAYS] Thank you all for coming tonight. [K I R K SAYS] Special thanks to White Bushman. [K I R K SAYS] And to Brutal Lee. [K I R K SAYS] Both of the Institute of WTFology. [S P O C K SAYS] The Institute holds no accreditation. [K I R K SAYS] The Institute holds no accreditation. [S P O C K SAYS] I had just said that. [K I R K SAYS] It bore repeating. [The Denial — 0:55-1:20] [congas and bongos enter, cha-cha lilt, heartbeat] [K I R K SAYS] I am not Captain James T. Kirk. [S P O C K SAYS] And I am not Spock. [K I R K SAYS] Any resemblance is entirely coincidental. [S P O C K SAYS] Statistically, resemblance is unavoidable. [K I R K SAYS] No studio endorses this. [S P O C K SAYS] We asked them. They did not reply. [The Mission — 1:20-2:00] [full brass fanfare, soaring strings] [K I R K SAYS] Set a course for the unexplored. [S P O C K SAYS] Then I recommend a black hole. [S P O C K SAYS] It admits everything and returns nothing. [S P O C K SAYS] Fascinating those black holes, really fascinating! [K I R K SAYS] I like it already. [Not That — 2:00-2:15] [S P O C K SAYS] There is also a tear in the fabric of space-time. [K I R K SAYS] Been there. Done that. Black holes only. [Pon Farr — 2:15-2:55] [heartbeat louder and faster, low strings shiver] [K I R K SAYS] Spock. You're sweating. [S P O C K SAYS] Vulcans do not sweat. [K I R K SAYS] You are sweating. [S P O C K SAYS] It is pon farr, Captain. It arrives every seven years. [S P O C K SAYS] Logic departs. The blood fever takes hold. We call it plak tow. [S P O C K SAYS] One must mate, or fight, or die. [K I R K SAYS] Those are the only three? [S P O C K SAYS] They are the traditional three. [K I R K SAYS] Helm — nearest pleasure planet. [S P O C K SAYS] I am aware of the timing, Captain. [Risa First — 2:55-3:30] [congas forward, slower and warmer, harp glissando] [WOMAN SAYS] Welcome to Risa. [K I R K SAYS] Rapidito. [S P O C K SAYS] Captain, the planet is known for hedonism. [K I R K SAYS] Yes, Spock. That is the point. [K I R K SAYS] Every species. Every shape. Every number of limbs. [S P O C K SAYS] Some of them have more ways of saying yes than we do. [K I R K SAYS] Now you're getting it. [S P O C K SAYS] I was reporting the anatomy. [K I R K SAYS] Sure you were. [Unidentified Life Form — 3:30-4:00] [bass, bongos and heartbeat, a slow wet slithering] [S P O C K SAYS] Captain. Something has come aboard. [S P O C K SAYS] One metre. Segmented. Continuously undulating. [K I R K SAYS] Does it have a name? [S P O C K SAYS] It answers to Cocky. [K I R K SAYS] Of course it does. [S P O C K SAYS] Full designation: Cocky the Wiggly Wonder Worm. [K I R K SAYS] Who is responsible for this? [S P O C K SAYS] A man named Chuck. He is extremely fond of hotdogs. [K I R K SAYS] That tracks. [Dirty Profits — 4:00-4:25] [muted brass stabs on the offbeat] [S P O C K SAYS] We are being hailed by traders. [S P O C K SAYS] Profit. They are very clear about it. [K I R K SAYS] And the prophets? [S P O C K SAYS] Also profit. The spelling differs. [K I R K SAYS] Tell them we're not buying. [S P O C K SAYS] They say the first one is free. [The Descent — 4:25-5:05] [augmented harmonies, strings rising, heartbeat faster] [K I R K SAYS] Take us in. [S P O C K SAYS] Approaching the event horizon. [S P O C K SAYS] Past this point there is no way back out. [S P O C K SAYS] Captain, I must report a phenomenon called spaghettification. [K I R K SAYS] Say that again. [S P O C K SAYS] One is stretched enormously along a single axis. [S P O C K SAYS] Probing deeper. First contact imminent. [K I R K SAYS] Virgin stars. Milky ways. All of it unexplored. [S P O C K SAYS] A milky way, Captain, inside a black hole. [K I R K SAYS] Poetry. [Climax — 5:05-5:40] [full orchestra maximum, soprano soaring, heartbeat fastest] [S P O C K SAYS] Singularity reached. [K I R K SAYS] Hold on to something. [S P O C K SAYS] There is nothing left to hold on to. [the orchestra explodes into one long major chord, timpani roll] [WOMAN SAYS] Ohhhhh. [K I R K SAYS] Where no one has gone before. [S P O C K SAYS] Statistically improbable, but I accept it. [Afterglow — 5:40-6:05] [low string note and soprano alone, heartbeat slowing] [K I R K SAYS] Spock. How are you feeling? [S P O C K SAYS] The fever has passed. Seven years of peace. [K I R K SAYS] And I am still not Captain James T. Kirk. [S P O C K SAYS] And I remain not Spock. [S P O C K SAYS] No studio endorses this. [K I R K SAYS] They still have not replied. [spoken, plain] Presented by White Bushman