[Intro – cheesy TV jingle | organ stabs | claps] 👏👏👏 🎶 1-800-FIX-MY-CAMEL! Call now, call now! 🎶 [soft crowd chant] (fix… that… camel…) [Verse 1 – rap groove] Your camel been acting strange again Won't haul loads, won't help his friends Sits in the sand, drinks all the tea Says that ain't my responsibility Caravan stuck in the midday sun Everybody working but the lazy one Two big humps and a real bad mood Ate the travel snacks and spilled the food [Hook – bright jingle chorus] 📞 1-800-FIX-MY-CAMEL! Your camel needs help today! If he won't do the right thing We'll train him the desert way! 👏👏👏🎶🎶👏👏 [Verse 2 – announcer swagger] But WAIT — call in the next five minutes We’ll throw in something wild — and your kitten’s in it Free firearms training for Little Mittens! Terms and conditions may apply but we’re not kidding Your caravan’s tired of hump drama Your camel acts like a desert prima donna We’ve got experts, trainers, hay by the bale And a hotline ready to fix that camel [Aside voice – tinny radio ad] (Coming soon — to a Madhouse Convenience near YOU) (With every licensed kitten sidearm purchase) (Three rats included — absolutely free) (…what kind of rats?) Pets Targets Pet food [whisper] They’re versatile (Hay also included) [quieter whisper] (The hay is for the camel) (We didn’t forget the camel) [Hook – crowd bigger] 📞 1-800-FIX-MY-CAMEL! Your camel needs help today! Your cat’s now trained and disciplined Three rats, some hay, we’re on the way! 👏👏👏🎶🎶👏👏 [crowd chant building] (FIX THAT CAMEL!) (FIX THAT CAMEL!) [Bridge – chaotic infomercial pitch] Operators standing by! Camel counselors certified! Hump drama got you losing sleep? One call makes your caravan complete! Madhouse Convenience — aisle three! Rats sold separately — or are they free? [argument aside voices] (they were free) (with the kitten gun) (we’ve been over this) [Break – desert training chaos | SFX camel grunts | whistle | distant pops | rats squeaking rhythm] [trainer voice] (Alright Mittens — paws steady!) (Target: suspicious cactus!) [heroic tiny meow] (meow!) [target pops] (pop! pop!) [crowd cheer] (WOOOO!) [camel roar] (HRAAAOOO) [excited announcer] (Look at that form!) [Infomercial Hook – full chaos] 📞 1-800-FIX-MY-CAMEL! Your camel needs help today! No more drama in the caravan Rats, hay, kitten — send him our way! [crowd chant] (FIX THAT CAMEL!) (FIX THAT CAMEL!) (FIX THAT CAMEL!) [announcer shouting] (CALL NOW!) (CALL TWICE!) (CALL FOR YOUR FRIEND’S CAMEL TOO!) [crowd chant] (CAMEL! CAMEL! CAMEL!) [Remix Transition – record scratch] [DJ voice] (Hold up…) This caravan ain't done dancing [Dangdut desert disco groove | tabla style drums | funky bass | synth flute] [call and response] Who fixed the camel? [crowd] (WE FIXED THE CAMEL!) Who trained the kitten? [crowd] (MITTENS DID!) Who got the rats? [crowd] FREE WITH THE KIT! [camel percussion | hoof stomps] [DJ hype] (Ladies and gentlemen…) Welcome to the Camel Disco Training Program! [crowd cheer] [Dangdut Dance Hook] Fix that camel — shake that hump! Fix that camel — shake that hump! Kitten trained and ready to jump! Rats on rhythm — thump thump thump! [breakdown groove] tak-dut tak-dut tak-dut tak-dut [camel call] (HRAAOOO) [crowd response] (HEY!) [camel call] (HRAAOOO) [crowd response] (HEY!) [DJ whisper] (The camel… is now the drummer) [Disco Chant] 1! 8! 0! 0! Fix! My! Camel! Shake that hump and clap your hands Best repair shop in the sands! [Outro – desert disco fading | camel stomps slowing] [exhausted announcer whisper] Your camel… appears to be dancing now (long pause) (We did not plan for that)
