1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE (REMIXXX)

1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE [INTRO — PHONE RING / AUTOMATED VOICE] Brrring… brrring… AUTOMATED: Welcome to the 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE. Need bad advice? You’ve called the wrong motherfuckin’ number. CLICK. STIM: UDP Help Line! Stim speaking! What’s your problem? CALLER: Man, I need some street advice! STIM: You called UDP, baby! [HOOK — ALL] 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! Call that number when you lost your mind! 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! Bad decisions on the other line! Got a problem? Call UDP! Got a question? Call UDP! Think you’re slick? Think again! YOU DIG?! ⸻ [VERSE 1 — STIM] CALLER: Stim! How I become a pimp? STIM: First rule—don’t call it a game. Second rule—don’t confuse movies with real life. Third rule—don’t turn bad decisions into prison time. CALLER: Man, I need the blueprint! STIM: Blueprint? I ain’t your architect, fool! CLICK. CALLER: How I steal some jewelry? STIM: BUY IT! CALLER: I ain’t got no money! STIM: Then GET SOME! CLICK. ⸻ [VERSE 2 — T-LOC] CALLER: T-Loc! How I rob a drug dealer? T-LOC: You don’t. CALLER: Why? T-LOC: Because that’s how one bad decision turns into ten bad decisions and twenty-five years. CALLER: But I need money! T-LOC: Then hustle LEGAL! CALLER: Man, this ain’t what I expected. T-LOC: That’s because you’re stupid. CLICK. ⸻ [VERSE 3 — LADY UDP][Female Rapper] CALLER: Lady UDP! How I run a chop shop? LADY UDP: Boy, you can’t even change a tire! CALLER: I watched YouTube! LADY UDP: YouTube ain’t a criminal college! CALLER: So what should I do? LADY UDP: Go get a job. Buy your own damn car. And quit calling me with bullshit! CLICK. ⸻ [VERSE 4 — EINSTEIN & NEWTON][Newton Female Rapper] EINSTEIN: Welcome to the Scientific Division. NEWTON: State your hypothesis. CALLER: How do I work a dope fiend? EINSTEIN: Bad decision. NEWTON: Bad equation. EINSTEIN: Add greed. NEWTON: Multiply consequences. BOTH: PRISON! CALLER: What’s the formula for getting rich? EINSTEIN: Work. NEWTON: Save. EINSTEIN: Invest. NEWTON: Repeat. CALLER: That’s boring. BOTH: SO IS PRISON! ⸻ [HOOK — ALL] 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! Call that number when you lost your mind! 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! Bad decisions on the other line! You want money? WORK! You want respect? EARN IT! You want freedom? KEEP IT! ⸻ [VERSE 5 — DIABLO] CALLER: Diablo! I got caught stealing! DIABLO: Did they see you? CALLER: Yeah. DIABLO: Did they know your name? CALLER: Yeah. DIABLO: Did you post it online? CALLER: …Yeah. DIABLO: Then even Satan can’t help your dumb ass. EVIL LAUGH. ⸻ [VERSE 6 — 17.5] CALLER: 17.5! I need the blueprint! 17.5: For what? CALLER: The whole operation! 17.5: No. CALLER: Why? 17.5: Because apparently you can’t even operate common sense. CLICK. ⸻ [FINAL — HOMIE] HOMIE: Ayy! Everybody calling UDP looking for shortcuts. How to steal. How to rob. How to scheme. How to get rich overnight. Well here’s your answer: DON’T. Every shortcut got a price. Every move got consequences. Every dollar ain’t worth your freedom. You wanna hustle? HUSTLE! You wanna eat? WORK! You wanna win? BUILD! That’s the real advice from the 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! YOU DID PRODUCTIONS! YOU DIG?! ⸻ [OUTRO — AUTOMATED VOICE] Thank you for calling 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE. For legal advice, call a lawyer. For financial advice, call a professional. For common sense… GOOD FUCKING LUCK. CLICK. STIM: UDP BABY! ALL: 1-500-UDP-HELP-LINE! 808 SLAM — RECORD SCRATCH — PHONE RING