[Studio slate: a tape click, vinyl hiss. Rotary phone click. Voicemail plays faintly under muted horns.] [GARY] [voicemail, tinny]: “Mr. The Badfatler… Agent Gary calling… against all odds, your story checks out… keep your shadows on a leash… and hey… stay sweet.” [Beep. Tape whirr. Bass walks in. Cymbals shimmer like pop rocks.] [BADFATLER] [spoken, smirking]: Stay sweet? Say, that’s rich, G-Man. I’m the fattest cat of bitter. But alright; Let’s jaw about last Tuesday’s taffy tempest… [Verse 1] I was slick as a seal in a Sunday suit, shoes shined, flashy as a candied fruit, grift on the drift, gumshoe with a grin, when a fish made a wish and reeled me in. Gary’s patter on the wire says I’m clean as a whistle, but the hydrant bled jam and his smile was superficial. I’m the cat’s pajamas, kid, the bee’s knees, see; but that marshmallow skyline started croonin’ to me. [Pre-Chorus] I took one crunch of that candescent confection, CUKHAHEG sparkle, a latent infection. Warm rose sugar, summer-on-the-lip, nostalgia fizz, then a skid, then a slip. Tongue felt fuzzy, heartbeat swing, teeth hummed hymns to a candied king. The taste was addicting, so I took two or three. Just needed the one; a gluttonous guarantee. [Chorus] Choir: Chew, you devil, chew Here’s a crown left askew If everyone’s a hero, what’s a villain to do? Choir: Snap, crackle, spew My halo’s a fondue May have started to cloy while I’m bitin’ the blue. Choir: Chew, you devil, chew Make the skyline Starburst Screws I’m the Bonbon Boss of this molasses coup. [Verse 2] B.A.D. in the jalopy, parked lickety-split, Mr. Disguise with a sack of tricky Sour Patch Kids. Gotta keep ‘em sugared up; the boy’s a genius. They each pop a piece; I ain’t payin’ peanuts. Dames and mugs, my whole mad crew, Inoculated, right on cue. Their smiles went shellac, eyes glass jar bright; They started scattin’ “chew-choo” in the Nestlé-dark night. [Pre-Chorus 2] Coppers on the corner, flatfeet on the beat, but the street preached doughy, distracting treats. Hands gone glossy, voices turned tin, We coughed up sprinkles, glacé future welcomed in. I remembered the party, crunchin’ candy at the gig; I was the big-shot Bazooka with the sugarwig jig. Who’d have thunk that little Forked Fish acquittal Would lead to a new honey-drizzled Epistle? [Break] Cotton-candy crown with a razzle crack, licorice lungs and a peppermint back. I bite the moon like dessert pizza pie, I can hear the fish howl, “All form must die.” But all I can think is apple a la mode, and the path turns fondant, my mind: Rocky Road. B.A.D. kneels, hungry, a choir of chews; I’m the big cheese of ambrosia salad blues. [Chorus - bigger, brassier] Choir: Chew, you devil, chew; Here’s a crown left askew If everyone's a hero, what’s a villain to do? Choir: Snap, crackle, spew; Make cosmic law with syrup glue I deem thee honeyed heroes with meaning anew! Choir: Chew, you devil, chew) City stuck to my shoe Bubblegut Deity comin’ for you. [Bridge] Gary whispered “you’re clear for now.” Clear as rock candy walls in Gumm E’s house. But my boys bit your poison from a pocketed batch; Snicker’d saints outta saps with a single scratch. CUKHAHEG curdled the villain within, Corruption-in-crystals crawled under my skin. The more I anointed, the less I tasted; A hero’s coin minted; a Whopper wasted [Psychedelic Break] Choir (far): Chew-chew-chew… choose-choose-choose… Badfatler: If I crown every cookie, who’s left to lose to? Choir (near): Chew-chew-chew… you-you-you… Badfatler: If I save every sucker, what’s a villain to do? [Final Verse] Now I’m king of the nougat night, Big Hunk bishop of the Saccharine Rite. I crunch the stars like so much sugar glass, Every Hubba Bubba hero gets a backstage pass. But hear my hush under Hershey wrapper skies: A taste gets spoiled when it never gets denied. If the world’s all saints in a Confetti Quin parade, then the mask I loved has nowhere to fade. [Outro] I peel my gummy grin like a stickered label, set down the caramel crown at a sticky table. If everyone’s a hero, kid, no one is. And who am I then, without the biz? All I ever do is chew chew chew… Still, there’s a hero I never choose… Batter up, Baby Ruth; the future’s up to you, A villain’s gotta do what a villain’s gotta do. [Pause] Stay sweet, Gary. But not too sweet.
