**[Intro — Thunder, creepy organ, deep male baritone whispering seductively]** At last… the moon is high. The blood is warm. The ancient bond awakens… My fated mate. …Would you like to see my shell collection? **[Record scratch. One lonely cricket.]** **[Verse 1 — Deep, brooding, ridiculously sincere]** Six hundred years beneath the moon, I’ve waited for my fated boon. A jawline sharp? Well… not precisely. My neck retracts. It does so *nicely*. I’ve got a castle, I’ve got gold, A tragic past, a heart ice-cold. My eyes glow red, my claws are vicious— My mating call.…a little ambitious. I stride into the midnight mist, My armored back, my lethal trisk. The wolves all howl, the dragons croon— I take it one step at a time... I’ll get there soon. **[Spoken — Breathless and seductive]** Behold, my love… **[Pause]** My maximum walking speed! **[Verse 2 — Still earnest, growing slightly defensive]** The bond has marked her soul as mine, I offered her a moonlight dine. I brought her roses, black and dead, And lettuce by the head. I whispered, “Darling, we’re divine. Your blood runs hot; your fate is mine.” I asked if she would kiss me, maybe— She told me, “Turtles are not sexy...” **[Pre-Chorus — Rising desperation]** The wolves have abs! The bears have brawn! The panthers hunt from dusk till dawn! The dragons breathe a sea of flame! BUT I HAVE AN ALTERNATE FORM THAT IS LAME! **[Chorus — Explosive gothic rock, theatrical choir]** SHELL YEAH! I’M YOUR FATED MATE! I’M BUILT LIKE LOVE AND MOVE LIKE A TANK! MY HEART IS DARK, MY LOVE IS TRUE— I’D CROSS THE WORLD… BY HALF PAST TWO JUST TO BE WITH YOU! Oh baby, let me steal your heart, We’ll never, ever be apart! The wolves get girls, the bears get dates— BUT I’M THE TURTLE THAT YOUR SOUL AWAITS! Shell yeah! **[Choir, ominously]** Shell yeah… **[Male whisper]** Please don’t make me chase you. **[Verse 3 — Darkly comic, bass-heavy groove]** I challenged three werewolves to a duel. They laughed and called me uncool... A tiger shifter challenged me, All claws and snarl and vanity. We locked eyes beneath the moon— He got bored waiting for my first move, so I won none too soon. The ravens calls my name like a jeer... I’ve got a castle, gold, and gear. My enemies all flee my sight— I’d give chase, but that'd take all night! I’ve mastered every ancient art, The shadow dance, the poisoned dart. Their muscles stretch their tailored shirts— I wear my armor. It won’t hurt. **[Bridge — Soft piano, suddenly sincere]** But when the castle’s candles die, And lonely centuries crawl by, I wonder if beneath this shell There’s someone who could love me well. Not for my gold, my ancient lore, Not for the blood upon my door. Just someone who won’t turn and flee When I say, “Darling… walk with me?” **[Spoken — Quietly hopeful]** She said I wasn’t entirely unappealing. She liked my eyes. She appreciated my… patience. I have waited six hundred years for this moment. **[Whispered]** I can be a quiet little nightmare. **[Final Chorus — Full gothic rock orchestra, choir and pounding drums]** SHELL YEAH! I’M YOUR FATED MATE! I’LL BRING YOU FLOWERS—THOUGH THEY’RE SECOND-RATE! MY LOVE IS DEEP, MY SOUL IS TRUE— I’LL TAKE THREE BUSINESS DAYS TO GET TO YOU! Oh baby, let the whole world stare! I’ll build you a fortress, furnish it with care! Let the wolves be hot, let the dragons be great— YOU’RE STUCK WITH THE TURTLE THAT YOUR SOUL DIDN’T KNOW IT AWAITS! **[Choir]** Shell yeah! Shell yeah! **[Spoken]** I have one question, my beloved. Would you still love me if I were… a regular tortoise? **[Long, horrified silence. Thunder crashes.]** **[Outro — Deep male whisper over a single cello]** …The regular ones don’t have the castle. But they *do* have the shell. I’ll meet you in the bedroom. **[Pause]** …Eventually. **[Final sound: One tiny, ominous thunk as a tortoise shell hits the bedroom door.]**
