Verse 1 — Charlie] I rode into the tavern with my armor shining red, Saw Isobel glaring daggers like she wanted someone dead. She said, “Charlie, stop your singing, you’re embarrassing me again!” I said, “Darlin’, that’s no way to greet your favorite dragon man.” I pulled out my lute and struck a questionable chord, She sighed and put her forehead on the pommel of her sword. I said, “Fair maiden, hear my ballad, written only for your ears!” She said, “Roll persuasion, idiot—and pray your twenty appears.” [Chorus] So I’m rolling dice to seduce my fighter girl, She’s got a Green Demon sword and an attitude for the world. I sing her bardic love songs underneath the silver moon, She says, “Charlie, shut your mouth—you’re horribly out of tune!” But she still pulls me closer when the tavern lights burn low, And underneath that bitchy glare, there’s something that I know: I can fight a thousand dragons, storm a castle, save the day— But winning Isobel’s heart takes a natural twenty all the way! [Verse 2 — Charlie] I sang, “Your eyes are emeralds, your hair’s the midnight sky!” She said, “That line was terrible.” I said, “At least I had to try!” I rolled a seven. She stared. I rolled again. A four. She slowly reached for Green Demon— So I rolled once more. NAT TWENTY! Suddenly she smiled and said, “You lucky crimson fool.” I grinned and said, “My charisma stat is clearly pretty cool.” She grabbed me by my armor and she pulled me face-to-face, Said, “Mention your charisma again and I’ll put you in your place.” [Chorus] Yeah, I’m rolling dice to seduce my fighter girl, The toughest, meanest sweetheart in this whole medieval world. I serenade her nightly while she threatens bodily harm, But somehow every insult only adds onto her charm. She says, “Don’t call me princess.” I say, “My lady, as you wish.” She says, “Don’t get romantic.” Then she leans in for a kiss. I can battle demons, armies, every monster near and far— But Isobel’s the final boss protecting Charlie’s heart. [Bridge — Isobel] Charlie, you’re impossible. Your songs are much too loud. You boast about your dice rolls To every tavern crowd. You’re reckless and dramatic, And completely full of shit… But when you sing beneath the moon… …fine. I’ll admit I like it. [Charlie] Does that mean I passed persuasion? [Isobel] Don’t push it. [Final Chorus — Both] He’s rolling dice to seduce his fighter girl, She’s swinging Green Demon while he gives his lute a whirl. He wears crimson dragon armor, she wears battered forest green, The strangest damn romance that the kingdom’s ever seen. She calls him an idiot. He calls her his delight. They argue through the daytime, Then hold each other every night. And if love is one big campaign where the wildest stories start— BackhandCharlie rolled a twenty… And won Isobel’s stubborn heart.
