[Intro | UK comedy rap • vinyl scratches • spoken] Right... There's an Alice in the pub. There's an Alice in the kebab shop. And apparently Alice just got into a taxi... with Alice. What the bloody hell? Will the Real Fake Alice, please sit down? [Verse 1 | Bouncy UK rap • fast flow] Alice T walks in, looking innocent and sweet, Little black dress, six-inch heels on her feet. Says, "I'm only out for a quiet little drink," Ten minutes later, someone's deep in the pink. "That's my bird!" says Dave from the bar, "Mate, you've known her half an hour!" Steve says, "She's mine!" — Gaz says, "Don't be thick," Alice says, "Who's buying the drinks?" She's got more numbers than an NHS queue, More exes than Greggs has sausage rolls too. Every bloke thinks he's the chosen one, Then finds out he's number seven on the run. She says, "I'm selective." Yeah, course you are, love. [Chorus | Gang vocals • pub singalong] WILL THE REAL FAKE Alice, PLEASE SIT DOWN? We've got three of you Running round this town! One says "No!" One says "Maybe!" One says, "Don't call me, baby!" WILL THE REAL FAKE Alice, PLEASE SIT DOWN? You've got more aliases than that bloke at the Crown! Who's the real one? Nobody knows... But every time she says "hello"... Somebody's trousers go! [Verse 2 | Faster flow • punchy drums] Her WhatsApp's got more chavs than the council, Phone starts buzzing and the whole pub's doubtful. "Who's Darren?" "Dunno." "Who's Liam?" "Friend." "Who's Gaz?" "Cousin." "He's got your name tattooed on his chest!" ... "Family's complicated." Her mum says, "Alice, please behave yourself." Alice says, "Mum, I'm just enjoying myself." Mum says, "You're a grown adult." Alice says... "Exactly." She went to Tenner-reef, came back with a tan, Said she'd met the love of her life — lovely man. Three days later, someone's asking who Juan is. Apparently Juan's the cousin... of another bloke called Lewis. [Bridge | Beat drops • spoken comedy] Right. Alice... How many blokes have you dated? "Depends." Depends on what? "Whether you count weekends." ... Oh, for fuck's sake. [Final Chorus | Biggest beat • crowd shouting] WILL THE REAL FAKE Alice, PLEASE SIT DOWN? There's enough versions of you To fill this whole town! Alice One! Alice Two! Alice Three! "Which bloody one of you Is doing me?" WILL THE REAL FAKE Alice, PLEASE SIT DOWN? You're a local legend Causing a mental breakdown! Call her trouble! Call her wild! Call her whatever you like... Just don't call her... "Your girlfriend!" [Outro | Beat cuts • record scratch] So which Alice is the real Alice? ... Nobody knows. Dave's crying. Steve's angry. Gaz has blocked her. And Darren... Apparently... He's her cousin. Yeah. Sounds about right.
