[INTRO | FEMALE SPOKEN | LOW PIANO | WIND AGAINST A WINDOW] October fifteenth. Funny how long you can live with a version of something before you realize you've been looking at it wrong. I wish you were here. There's something I finally understand. [VERSE 1 | LOW RHYTHMIC VOCALS | RESTRAINED INDUSTRIAL BASS] I could make a scene out of silence, Turn one thought into twenty more. Get so caught up in my own reaction I'd forget what started it all. Then I'd get pissed at myself, Couldn't stand the way I'd behaved. Couldn't take back what I'd already said, So I'd make it worse the next day. I used to think once I'd gone too far There wasn't any coming back. I'd rather destroy what was still standing Than admit I didn't know how to act. And you were carrying something too, Only you didn't carry it like me. I mistook the difference between us For something it didn't have to be. [PRE-CHORUS | PIANO EXPOSED | VOCALS CLOSE] I kept asking who was to blame. Never questioned who gave blame the right. Funny what you can convince yourself of When you're frightened enough to think you're right. [CHORUS | FEMALE ROCK VOCALS | HEAVY GUITAR ENTERS] I started finding my way back, And the tears caught me by surprise. Not because I found another answer, But because I questioned mine. You weren't who fear told me you were. I can finally separate the two. Something happened, fear took over, And I stopped seeing all of you. Happy birthday, my love. I don't know where these words arrive. I'm sending them into the night, Carried by the love that never dies. [VERSE 2 | FEMALE RAP | DIRTY BASS | DRUMS TIGHTEN] Fear took authority over both our minds. That's the part I couldn't recognize. It didn't ask for our permission, Just started making our decisions. And blame was convenient, wasn't it? Gave everything a place to land. Made it easier to point a finger Than admit we didn't understand. I was dramatic, yeah, I know. Could turn a moment into a whole damn show. Then I'd hate myself for doing it, And somehow still not know when to quit. I thought the damage was permanent, That I'd already gone too far. And if there wasn't any fixing it, I'd tear apart whatever wasn't scarred. But I was wrong about the ending. Wrong about what fear could prove. And the hardest part of seeing clearly Is knowing I can't tell it to you. [PRE-CHORUS | DRUMS CUT | SINGLE PIANO] I don't have to make you innocent Of things I don't understand. I don't have to make myself the villain Just to admit where fear began. [CHORUS | FULL GUITARS | EMOTIONAL FEMALE VOCALS] I started finding my way back, And the tears caught me by surprise. Not because I found another answer, But because I questioned mine. You weren't who fear told me you were. I can finally separate the two. Something happened, fear took over, And I stopped seeing all of you. Happy birthday, my love. I don't know where these words arrive. I'm sending them into the night, Carried by the love that never dies. [BRIDGE | SPOKEN FEMALE | MUSIC ALMOST STOPS] You know what's really getting to me? All that time I thought there was no going back. Not because someone told me. Because I'd already decided. And tonight, on your birthday, I'm sitting here crying because I can finally see how much authority I gave to something that was never fair. Fear. I let it explain things it didn't understand. [VERSE 3 | QUIET, GROUNDED VOCALS | SLOW HEARTBEAT KICK] I'm not asking time to turn around. I'm not pretending I know it all. There are things I'll never get to ask you, And things I wish I'd never called. But I remember you differently now, Without needing someone to accuse. I can see the weight you carried Without confusing it with who you were. And maybe that's what brought the tears, Not another year without your face. But finding something I thought I'd lost And knowing you can't see me find my place. I can't tell you what I've learned. Can't hear what you would say. But I can stop letting fear decide What I remember of you today. [FINAL CHORUS | RAW FEMALE VOCALS | GUITARS GRADUALLY FALL AWAY] I started finding my way back. I didn't know I still could. I spent so long convinced of things I never really understood. You weren't the monster I imagined. And I won't keep making you one. I wish I'd known what I know tonight Before our time was done. Happy birthday, my love. I hope these words survive the night, Cross the threshold of the dead and living, Carried by the love that never dies. [OUTRO | SPOKEN FEMALE | WIND | NO DRUMS] I'm sorry it took me this long to see fear instead of what was fair. I don't know if you can hear me. But I hope the wind takes these words somewhere my feet can't follow. Happy birthday, my love. I started finding my way back. And I still love you.
