[Intro: bandoneon and marcato strings, spoken] Room fourteen One mediator Two exes One pug named Meatball [Verse 1: him] I'm the one who picked him from the shelter, cage nine Crooked little face behind the glass, I said that one is mine Named him Meatball, built the crate and read the training book Taught him sit and taught him stay and taught him how to look Every winter morning, six a.m., I walked him through the snow You were in the blanket yelling shut the door, it's cold You can keep the couch, the plants, the good espresso machine Take the plates, the rug, the lamp, but the dog comes home with me Look at him, he's looking at me, mediator, that's the proof Ten pounds of evidence and he's chewing on her shoe [Verse 2: her] Please, you signed a form and I'm the one who paid the fee You walked him in the morning, every other walk was me You read the training book, he ate it, chapter one to ten You taught him sit, he never sat, so who's the genius then I paid the vet, I paid the groomer, and the little sweater too Every time he had a bellyache, now tell me where were you He only runs to you because you drop the bacon on the floor That's not love, that's breakfast, and he's waiting there for more Look at him, he's wagging at me, see that little tail Ten pounds of evidence and every wag's a vote by mail [Hook: both, chanted over marcato strings] Every other weekend (that's the deal) Every other weekend (sign it, seal) You get him Friday, I get him back on Sunday night Every other weekend But the dog was mine (no, mine) [Verse 3: trading lines] He loves the park (he loves the beach) I got a yard (you got a leash that I paid for, that's a breach) He sleeps with me (he snores with you) He hates your mother (he's afraid of her, it's true) I got the sofa that he likes (you got the fleas) I got a lawyer (that's your brother, he does parking tickets, please) Stop (no, you stop) Mediator clicking on his pen until it pops [Double-Time Switch: her, stacked, no commas] You never cut his little nails you never brushed his little teeth you never even bought him any food You let him eat a sock and then you told me he was fine and he was only in a funny little mood You took him on a date and left him tied outside a bar for two hours in the rain like that was good You called him buddy for a month because you blanked on his name and you hoped that nobody understood [Hook: both, chanted over marcato strings] Every other weekend (that's the deal) Every other weekend (sign it, seal) You get him Friday, I get him back on Sunday night Every other weekend But the dog was mine (no, mine) [Breakdown: pizzicato strings, both calling] Meatball (come here) Meatball (to me) Meatball (sit, boy) He sat [Chopper Burst: him, triplet bounce, flow switch] I carried him up seven flights on every night the elevator broke because the little guy is terrified of the dark I watched him on a camera from the office every hour and I stopped a meeting just to calm him when I heard him bark I taught him how to shake and how to roll and how to fetch the morning paper like a lawyer bringing evidence to mark So when it comes to custody the case is open and shut and I'm walking out with Meatball and you're walking to the park [Verse 4: trading lines] Then the door swings open and it's Yolanda with the leash Walks him every weekday and she hasn't missed a week Meatball flies across the carpet, past the two of us, he's gone Jumps into her arms and licks her face like they belong I look at her (she looks at me) Ten pounds of evidence (and he just made it plain to see) Six months of fighting (and he never picked a side) Mediator laughing so hard he had to go outside So it's every other weekend and Yolanda every day And we split what we pay her right down the middle, okay [Final Hook: both, chanted over marcato strings] Every other weekend (that's the deal) Every other weekend (sign it, seal) You get him Friday, I get him back on Sunday night Every other weekend But the dog was hers (Yolanda's) [Outro: bandoneon alone] Room fourteen Case closed Meatball Good boy
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